Dude, Where's My Groom?
by InceptionErection
Summary: Tracy's cousin, Tara, has been asked to go to Vegas with the boys to keep an eye on everyone. What happens when she gets in on the action? I've jumped on the bandwagon...Phil/OC Give chapter one a chance and let me know. Completed!
1. Chapter 1

**Dude, Where's my Groom?**

**Part I**

**Tracy, currently having a near panic attack, horse before the wedding, awaiting her groom and groomsmen to return from their bachelor party in Las Vegas, even though they were supposed to be home yesterday!**

**Her phone started ringing, and she answered it as soon as she heard it go off. "Hello?" She asked, panicked.**

**"Tracy, it's Phil." Doug's best man, Phil, said into the phone.**

**"Phil, where the **_**hell **_**are you guys?" She just about lost it when she heard his voice. "I'm freaking out."**

**"Yeah, listen," He cleared his throat. "we fucked up."**

**"What are you talking about?" She asked incredulously. What could they have possibly done?**

**"The bachelor party, the whole night got out of control," He paused. "we lost Doug."**

**"What?" She asked, the panic subsiding and the anger taking over.**

**"We can't find Doug."**

**"What are you saying? We're getting married in five hours!"**

**"Yeah," He paused again. "that's not gonna happen."**

_Three weeks, earlier. _

"I'm sorry, Tracy, but have you managed to go completely psychotic while I've been at my mom's?" I, Tracy's maid of honor, asked the stressed out bride.

"I'm sorry, Tara, I really am, I just need someone to keep an eye on the boys while they're there, and get them back in time. I trust Doug and all but, with Phil there, he can talk anyone into anything, and with Alan you know how he is, he needs some looking after. You don't even have to go out with them!" She begged me, taking hold of my arms and looking straight into my eyes.

"So, what you're saying is, make sure Phil isn't his usual douche bag self, and play babysitter for Alan?" Tracy nodded. "I mean, I guess so. I've never been to Vegas before." I told her, as if it were a big deal to go to the Sin City and gamble all my life savings away.

"Thank you so, so, so much, Tara!" She said, hugging me.

"What are cousins/best friends/maid's of honor for?" I joked.

Let me introduce myself, my name is Tara Garner, cousin, best friend, and maid of honor to the bride. I'm twenty six, I live in Santa Monica with my great dane; Cowboy, and I've been staying with the Garner's since Tracy asked me to be her maid of honor. I met Doug and his two friends, Stu and Phil, as soon as Tracey announced their engagement. Stu was a secret sweetheart, hidden behind fake masculinity, dentistry, and whore-girlfriend; Melissa. Phil was nice, sort of a douche bag, married, with a child, although still a shameless flirt with every girl at the engagement party. I only met them a few other times, whereas Stu was still whipped, and Phil was going through a divorce and custody battle -having been the most recent meeting, the only time I haven't seen Phil loud, obnoxious, and one step away from being drunk. Now, don't get me wrong. Sure, Phil is attractive and I wouldn't mind seeing that every day, but, it's just been an unspoken agreement every time I've seen him that we're both just untouchable objects. Something you yearn for but are never going to get, and I've coped with it.

_Two weeks, two days later._

"Never fear, adult babysitter is here!" I announced myself as I burst into the Garner's home -more like estate- dropping my bag on the floor and throwing my arms out dramatically. I left my hair natural -wavy- considering it'd just be tousled anyway, and wore an off the shoulder, thick striped blue and off white crop top and jeans shorts with my Vans.

"We're up here!" Tracy called from the upstairs. I assumed she meant the study so I went in there, only to find my cousin in just a shirt and a jockstrap hugging Doug.

"Whoa! Alan, that is way more of my cousin than I ever needed to see!" I said covering my eyes.

"Hey, Tara!" Doug greeted me warmly. "Ready for this weekend?"

"Hell yeah! Are you sure you're okay with me going? I don't want to be a party crasher."

"You have nothing to worry about, Tara." Doug said. "I'm gonna go say bye to Tracy and then we can go get Phil and Stu." Alan just looked around awkwardly after Doug left the room.

"Hey, Alan. How're you?"

"We might kill someone tonight. So, make sure you seal those lips tighter than a Ziploc bag." I just looked at him, nodded, and walked away when Doug called us to the garage.

"Just remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Except herpes. That shit'll come back with you." My uncle Sid finished explaining to Doug, looking at me, as I walked up from trying to get Alan to stop kissing the dog.

"Let's get this show on the road, ladies." I said, climbing into the backseat, sliding on my black wayfarer sunglasses, fully prepared to be smooshed in between Phil and Stu.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"Do you have to park so close?" Alan asked uncomfortably, shielding his face from the school. I thought the sun was in his eyes.

"Yeah. What's wrong?" Doug asked.

"I'm not supposed to be here." He answered, I leaned forward in intrigue.

"Why's that, Alan?" Doug asked reluctantly.

"I'm not supposed to be within two-hundred feet of a school." He answered. "Or a Chuck E. Cheese."

"What?" Me and Doug both asked simultaneously.

"Hey, Mr. Wenneck -" A chubby little boy hollered after Phil.

"It's the weekend Budnick, I don't know you, you do not exist!" Phil called after him, throwing on his own sunglasses on his face. I rolled my eyes. Poor kids. "Shit. Nice car." He said, throwing his bag just past me.

"Hey, Mr. Wenneck, are you done stealing money from children?" I asked him. He simply hopped in the car and ignored me momentarily.

"I'm driving. And I blew all my money on this divorce, how else am I supposed to gamble every thing I don't have away?"

"Whoa, no chance, buddy. Watch your step! Gah. Will you watch the leather?" Doug complained. This was going to be a long trip.

"Shut up and drive before one of these nerds asks me another question." He said, lounging in the back throwing his legs over my lap and spreading his arms across the back of the seats. "Who's this?" He gestured to Alan.

"That's Alan, Tracey's brother, Tara's cousin." Doug said, I nodded.

"I've met you like four times." Alan said, somewhat affronted.

"Oh yeah, how you doin' man?"

It took us all of five minutes to move from the school over to Stu's house, and I was already annoyed. Phil was just so, annoying. Finally when we got there, I was poised and ready to go get him since no one made a move to get him.

"Where do you think you're going?" Phil asked me, grabbing me by the waist and pushing me back into my seat.

"Where do you think? No one else is gonna get Stu, so I will."

"One teeny tiny problem, there." Doug said, pausing.

"Melissa doesn't know we're going to Vegas _and _she doesn't know you're coming with us. So, let me handle this." Phil told me, finishing for Doug. Phil cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled; "Paging Doctor Faggot!" When there was no answer, or movement in the house, he repeated a little louder, "Doctor Faggot!" We finally saw Stu come out of the house in his normal polo shirt, khaki pants, and sweater tied around the neck.

"Hey, nice going Mr. Douchebag. I just tried explaining to Melissa that you're mature when you get to know you guys." Stu said, Phil just shrugged. "Hey, Tara." Stu greeted me as he threw his and Phil's bags in the trunk.

"Hey Stu!" I said cheerily, excited to get this show on the road. "And, I'd have to beg to differ."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"WOO! ROAD TRIP!" Alan stood up as he yelled from the car on the highway. "Hey! Vegas! Vegas baby!" He yelled at some poor little girl in the car next to us. Phil, Stu, and I just sat in the back and watched in amusement as he continued to yell at the child and she finally gave him the finger. He sat down, offended and dejected.

"Come on, just until Barstow. Everybody's passing us!" Phil complained for the upteenth time about how he couldn't drive. I finally settled on just tuning him out. Sure, he was cute, and he's got nice abs, but man, he could be annoying. It was much easier to tell him off when those beautiful blue eyes weren't piercing into your soul.

"Phillip Wenneck! Shut the _hell _up! Uncle Sid said you can't drive, get over it." I told him. He just looked at me.

"Absolutely not, I promised Sid. I will be the only one driving this car. Besides, you're drinking."

"Oh, what are a cop now? Come on, you know I drive great when I'm drunk." He mocked Doug. I just rolled my eyes...again.

"That's true, don't forget Phil was always our designated drunk driver." Stu reminded Doug. He was actually defending him?

"You wanna explain it to them Alan?" Doug mentioned. I could feel it coming already, the empathy speech.

"Guys, my dad loves this car more than he loves me so, yeah." He said as if it's nothing.

"Oh, whatever, look I left my soon-to-be ex-wife and kid at home so I could go with you guys to Vegas, you know how difficult that was?" Phil said. I almost believed it but, I could tell he was being sarcastic.

"That's really sweet, Phil." Alan, wasn't so smart.

"Yeah." Doug said, not believing a second of it.

"Dude, I was being sarcastic, I fucking hate my life. I might never go back. I might just stay in Vegas."

"Here we go." Doug said, I knew he was rolling his eyes.

"You know Doug, you should enjoy yourself because come Sunday, you're gonna start dying just a little bit every day.

"Yeah, yeah. Alright."

"Phil, everyone dies a little everyday, why not die with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?" I tried to lighten Phil's words. I had never been married before, so, I didn't know what it's like, but I'd like to think that's what people think of when they get married. He just rolled his eyes at me.

"Yeah, that's why I've managed to stay single this whole time." Alan said with a chuckle. I felt myself smile. He was my favorite cousin.

"Oh really? That's why you're single?" Stu finally piped up.

"Yeah."

"Cool. Good to know." Phil just chuckled. I've really grown attached to that smile- wait, what?

"Am I good over there, Alan?" Doug asked, preparing to merge.

"Yeah, you're good." Alan said, Doug started moving into the other lane until a shadow came over the car and a truck's horn blew at us. I burrowed myself into the seat right under Phil's arm

"Holy shit!" "Oh my go-" "What the hell!" All of us yelled something as Alan just laughed. That boy confused me.

"That was awesome!" Alan hollered.

"That was not awesome! What is wrong with you!" Doug whined.

"That was insane we almost died!" Stu chuckled. I came out from hiding, bright green eyes large like a deer caught in the headlights. Phil just laughed at my expression. I managed to hit his arm a little harder than playfully.

"You should have seen your faces! Hah, classic!" Alan screeched.

"That's funny!" Phil laughed like a boy who saw a great prank.

"It's not funny." Doug whined again

"I'll have to side with Doug on that one." I finally said something, still shaking slightly. After a few moments, the thrill wore off, and we went back into the comfortable silence we had before.

This was going to be an interesting bachelor party.

**A/N: So, I've jumped on the band wagon...And decided to write a Phil/OC fic. Frankly, they're aren't enough _finished _ones so, I decided to write one of my own. **

**The whole story is finished but if there's something you want me to add in, let me know.**

**Also, I just put her as 26 because I didn't know how old Phil was, I just guessed 27-30.**

**P.S. Let me know if you'd like me to update twice a week or once a week. There's 10 chapters, with a short epilogue at the end.  
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**Good? Bad? Lemme know!  
><strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Dude, Where's my Groom?**

**Part II**

"Boy, you got a sweet ride, there." An older gentleman approached the car, where Alan was looking over it where it was fueling up, I could tell he was simply interested in the classic car but, Alan took it as a creeper move.

"Don't touch it. Don't even look at it." Alan never looked up from his book, _The World's Greatest Blackjack book_. "Go on, get out." I watched as the man averted his eyes and started walking away. "Don't look at me, either. You heard me. Yeah, you better walk on." Alan followed him away from the car.

"He's actually kind of funny." I heard Phil say as I placed a pint of chocolate milk on the counter and a pack of Reese's. Phil was munching on a bag of Lay's, which I stole a few of.

"Yeah. He means well." Doug acquiesced.

"I'll hit an old man in public." Alan yelled at the still retreating man.

"Is he all there, like, mentally." Phil said, motioning in small circles around his ear.

"Yes. He's just odd. Kind of weird." I informed him, I think Phil forgets that I'm related to him.

"I mean, should we be worried?" He asked, chewing on another chip. I hit him, again, on the arm.

"No." Doug confirmed.

"Alright," Phil said.

"No," Doug reiterated. "Tracy did mention that we shouldn't let him gamble,"

"Or drink too much." I reminded him.

"Jeeze, he's like a Gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit."

"Aaaand one water." Stu squeezed between me and Phil, placing his water on the counter.

"All good with Melissa?" I rolled my eyes into the back of my head when Doug said 'Melissa'.

"Oh yeah, told her we're two hours outside of wine country. And she bought it." Phil let his head drop down and shook it.

"Don't you think it's strange, you've been in a relationship for three years, and you have to lie about going to Vegas?" He asked.

"Yeah, but trust me, it's not worth the fight." He shook his head and mouthed the word 'no'.

"Oh, so you can't go to Vegas, but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line." He asked, a signaled for him to give me a high five. The cashier just looked at us like we were freak shows.

"Hey," Doug said, trying to calm the seas.

"Okay, first of all, he was a bartender _and _she was wasted. And if you must know, he didn't even come inside her." I turned my head to the side and lifted my eye brows. Phil asked the question I had been dying to;

"And you believe that?" He chuckled.

"Uh, yeah, I do believe that because she's grossed out by semen." Phil opened his mouth to say something, and promptly closed it. _Say goodbye to having children. _I thought.

"That'll be thirty-two fifty." The clerk said, clearly not entertained and hoping we would leave.

"It's thirty-two fifty, you gonna pay for it?" Phil asked as I grabbed my things and slipped him a ten, and made my way back to the car. "Damn, Shorty, you're gonna make your butt even bigger eating shit like that. I mean, not that I'm complaining." I rolled my eyes and stuck my butt out playfully hitting it.

I complained of a headache when we got back on the road so, my head was in Phil's lap, while my legs were over Stu's. Alan was blathering on about Blackjack.

"It says we should work in teams, who wants to be my spotter?" He asked.

"I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan." I broke the news to him, considering I was practically his babysitter.

"Gambling? Who said anything about gambling?" He asked. "It's not gambling if you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system." I sat up on my elbows and slid my glasses atop my head.

"It's also illegal." Stu said, saying the thing I was just opening my mouth to say.

"It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane." I couldn't help but laugh at this. It's so...Alan.

"I'm pretty sure that's illegal too." Phil mentioned from his seat.

"Yeah, maybe after 9/11 when everyone got so sensitive." He said nonchalantly. "Thanks a lot, Bin Laden." I just shook my head and lowered myself back into Phil's lap.

"Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?"

"Oh really?" Alan challenged. "Why don't you tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruhtard." Alan argued.

"A what?" Stu asked, Alan looked back at him as if he were an alien.

"He was a ruhtard."

"_Re_tard." Doug and I corrected at the same time. Phil just laughed.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

The sun has not set an hour ago, and we were finally in Vegas. I removed myself from Phil's lap so I could enjoy the sights Las Vegas had to offer. It was amazing, all the lights shining and everything. When we arrived at Caesar's Palace, I couldn't believe this was the place we were staying in. As we unloaded the car, and made our way up the stairs to the lobby, I saw two scantily-clad girls walk past us and say hi to Phil.

"Here we go." He bragged. I couldn't help the little pang of jealousy. I couldn't believe myself. I was gonna get me a hot piece of man-ass tonight.

"Hi, welcome to Caesar's Palace." A nice girl, Lisa, greeted us. We greeted her as warmly with a chorus of 'hi', 'hey', and hello'. "Checking in?"

"Yeah, we have a reservation under Dr. Price." Stu said, leaning on the counter.

"Dr. Price? Stu, I'm sorry but, you're a dentist." I told him.

"Yeah, don't try and get fancy." Phil agreed.

"It's not fancy if it's true." He defended himself, albeit poorly.

"He's a dentist, don't get too excited." I assured the clerk.

"Yeah, and if someone has a heart attack, you should still call 9-1-1." Phil agreed yet again.

"We'll be sure to do that." Lisa smiled weakly from behind the counter.

"Can I ask you a question?" Alan asked, not really waiting for an answer. "Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?" I rolled my eyes. So Alan. This was going to be quite the eye rolling weekend.

"What do you mean?" She asked, confused.

"I'm not getting a sig on my beeper." He said, shaking his pager slightly.

"I'm not sure." She said apologetically.

"Is there a payphone bank? A bunch of payphones? Business."

"Um, there's a phone in your room?" She offered weakly.

"That'll work." He said, after a moment's hesitation. Phil just looked at me like, 'He's your cousin.'

"So, I have you on a two bedroom suite on the twelfth floor. Is that okay?" She asked, looking at me for signs of disapproval.

"Sounds perfect." Doug said, speaking for the first time since we entered Nevada.

"Actually I was wondering if you had any villas available?" Phil asked.

"We're not even gonna be in the room." Stu complained.

"It's unnecessary." I said, shaking my head.

"No big deal. We can share beds, it's one night." Doug mentioned.

"If we share beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You good with that?" Alan piped up

"No, I'm not. Guys, we're not sharing beds, what are we? Twelve years old? Lisa, I apologize. How much is the villa?"

"Well, we have one villa available, and it's forty-two hundred for the night."

"Is it awesome?" Alan asked

"It's pretty awesome."

"We'll take it, give her your credit card." Phil said, gesturing to Stu.

"I can't give her my credit card." Stu said quietly, trying to avoid attention to himself.

"We'll split it." Doug said reaching for his wallet.

"Are you crazy? No, this is on us." I said, stopping him.

"You don't get it. Melissa checks my statements." Stu whined.

"Well, we just need the card on file we won't bill you until you check out, so you can figure it out then." Lisa said, obviously wanting us to just check in and leave. I shot her a apologetic look.

"Fine." He said, handing her his card.

"Can I ask you another question?" Alan asked. "You probably get this alot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?"

"What do you mean?" She asked, handing Stu his card back.

"Did uh..." He looked at us, embarrassed suddenly by his question. "Did Caesar live here?"

"Um, no."

"I didn't think so." He said, walking away. I followed after him, I couldn't lose him already.

The ride in the elevator to the room was silent, somewhat awkward, no one really wanted to discuss the problem with the room.

"Dude, Phil, we could have just shared." I said to him, breaking the silence.

"And where would you have slept?" He asked me.

"What high quality hotel doesn't have a couch. It's one night and I guarantee I'm not gonna be getting much sleep tonight." He rolled his eyes and got out of the elevator once it came to our floor. "Besides, I don't even know if I can pay for this."

"Don't worry about it, Tara." Doug comforted me. "If it's not that great we'll get our other room."

**A/N: So, a couple people requested that I update twice a week, and since the whole story is finished I thought why not? I'm sorry if I butcher the lines badly, I had to rely on youtube videos and a script link that didn't have character names for each line so, bear with me, please.**

**I'm really hoping Tara isn't a Sue but, whatever. haha**

**Good? Bad? Lemme know!  
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	3. Chapter 3

**Dude, Where's my Groom?**

**Part III**

"Holy shit!" I exclaimed as we entered the suite.

"Now, this is Vegas." Stu said.

"Oh my, this place is enormous!" Doug said

"Now we're talking." Phil said, taking in the view, I stepped up beside him, completely awestruck.

"Is this all one suite?" Doug asked. "Thank you guys, or should I say, thank you Stu."

"You're welcome, it's only cause I love you."

"Okay ladies, pick a room, get dressed, be ready in thirty minutes. You too, Shorty." I cringed at his nickname for me. Just because I stand at five-three and he stands at six-one does _not _mean I'm a shorty. He's just freakishly tall. Or something.

"Whatever." I said. "And stop calling me Shorty!"

I picked the room closest to me, and decided to grab a quick shower, feeling grimy from riding with the top down the whole way to Vegas. I laid out my zebra off the shoulder loose at the top, fitted at the bottom dress, matching zebra boy shorts and strapless bra set onto the bed, while setting my strappy four inch gladiator sandal heels on the floor next to the bed.

When I emerged from the bathroom, fifteen minutes later, I saw Phil finishing up putting on his black jacket, and buttoning the rest of the buttons on his shirt.

"Well, who knew you'd clean up so nicely." I joked, walking over to the bed, only to find my underwear missing.

"Well who knew you'd clean up so sluttily." He said, spinning my zebra boy shorts around his finger and smirking.

"Phillip Benjamin Wenneck, give me my underwear right now or I swear on my life I will scream rape. What are you even doing in here anyway?"

"Where did you hear my middle name? Stu thought it would be weird if you roomed with him, as did Doug, Alan's weird enough as it is, so I volunteered."

"You're ex wife told me. And oh, I'm so flattered that you just _had _to share a room with me."

"I never said I was forced to." He said, sling shotting my underwear to me and turning around so I could change.

"Well, I know you'd probably want to be alone so you could bring in whatever slutty little lady you found tonight." I said, slipping on my dress. I could do my makeup in the elevator.

"Damn girl, look at that ass." I checked out my butt on the mirror upon Phil's statement. I was by no way super model skinny. I was a size six, with a bubble butt, making me about an eight down low.

"Shut up." I told him. "You're just mad cause you can't get any of this. You'll find some other girl." I said, slapping my own butt.

"I'm really not as bad as you think I am, Shorty." He stepped forward, just an arm's length away. "Besides, I told you you'd clean up sluttily, didn't I?" I scoffed and rolled my eyes, heading towards the door, only to run into Doug.

"Hey, you guys ready?"

We walked in on Stu, on the phone, in just his underwear, with who I'd assume to be Melissa. Phil just lounged on the bed, and I sat at his feet at the end of the bed.

"Wh-wh-wait. I love you. Okay. Byeeeee." He drawled out bye and clapped his phone shut.

"Wait, where's Alan?" I asked, worried. We've been here for half an hour, and he's already gone missing.

"He, uh, went downstairs. Said he had to _grab _a few things."

"Good, because I have something to show you." Stu said, making a few embarrassing poses every two words. He grabbed a box and handed it to Doug.

"Hey Stu, what's your ethnicity?" I asked, after he was finished making the poses.

"Why?" He asked, genuinely confused.

"Because you look homosexual." I retorted, Phil just laughed, and Stu waved me off while handing the velvet box to Doug. I'm a woman, I know what that box is.

"Uh-oh." Doug said

"What the hell is that?" I asked, more of a 'What the hell are you doing' than what I actually asked.

"What do you think it is?" Stu asked while I was still eying the diamond ring in Doug's hand.

"I'll tell you what it is, it's a big fucking mistake." Phil said, sitting up.

"I'm gonna propose to Melissa at your wedding." Stu said, obviously not listening to me or Phil. "After the ceremony."

"Stuey! Congratulations!" Doug said, handing him back the box.

"Thank you, Doug." He said, staring right at me and Phil.

"It really is a beautiful ring." I acquiesced.

"Yeah, it was my grandmother's. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing, it's legit!"

"Wait, have you not listened to anything me, or even Shorty, has ever said?" Phil asked loudly.

"Have you forgotten that she's a complete troll and controlling bitch?" I asked.

"Guys, we've been dating for three years, it's time, this is how it works."

"A. That is bullshit and B. She's a complete bitch!" This was _not _a good idea for Stu.

"Hey, that is his fiancee!" Doug said, halfheartedly hitting Phil's foot.

"What? You know it's true." I said.

"It is true, she beats him! You know it!" Phil agreed

"And you guys would probably tell me to leave a guy if he ever beat me or cheated on me. How is this different?" I asked, I mean, I guess guys are stronger than some girls but still. This was not a good plan.

"That was twice, and I was out of line." I rolled my eyes. "She's strong willed, and I respect that."

"Respect it, or cower from it." I muttered under my breath. Phil just looked at me and nodded slightly.

"Wow. _Wow. _He's in denial." Phil said incredulously.

"Not to mention, she fucked a sailor." I added in.

"Hey, he wasn't a sailor, he was a _bartender _on a cruise ship. You know that." Doug corrected me.

"Guys, you know, I'm standing right here so, I can hear everything you're saying." Stu said, I felt bad for him second guessing himself but he shouldn't even think of proposing to the sea witch anyway!

"Hey guys, you ready to let the dogs out?" Alan asked oblivious to our spat, wearing a shirt with three wolves howling at the moon, white pants, a satchel-like bag, and a plastic bag on his arm.

"Do what?" Stu asked at the same time Phil asked "What?"

"You know, let the dogs out -"

"Who brought this guy?" Phil asked

"Who let the dogs out who? Who? Who? Who?" I finished while he did a little awkward dance, and I jammed to myself. Everyone -save for Alan- looked at me like I was crazy. "Come on, Baha Men, classic."

"You two are _so _related." Doug said. "And yes, Alan we are ready to let the dogs out. Hey, congrats." Doug said to Stu.

"Thank you."

I finished putting on my make-up at the mirror in the hall while we waited for an elevator. I laughed to myself as I heard Phil and Alan arguing about Alan wearing his satchel.

"It's not a purse, it's a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one."

"So does Joy Behar." Phil retorted. I came to Alan's defense.

"Well, I think it's handy. A lot of women could depend on guys who wear satchels. Like now, Alan can carry my make-up and clutch in his satchel." I said, kissing his bearded cheek. Phil just looked away angrily. The elevator doors finally opened to reveal an Uncle Rico/Napoleon Dynamite hybrid wannabe lifting his head from his, what I assume to be, girlfriend's crotch. Gross.

"We're goin' up, guys." He said ironically. I made sure I stood close to Phil.

"Yeah, that's perfect." Phil said, hitting the top floor button.

"We're going up?" I asked, he just put a finger over his mouth.

"I'm just saying, It's clearly marked, okay? We are definitely not supposed to be up here." Stu whined for the fourth time.

"We're paying for a villa, Stu. We can do whatever the fuck we want." Phil said. "Just wedge the door open. Ladies first." He stepped aside behind a ladder and gestured for me to go up.

"I think I'll go last this time, buddy." He shrugged and made his way up the ladder. I finally joined them up top. It was not easy climbing a ladder in heels.

"Where did you find this place?" I asked, walking up behind Phil.

"Don't worry about it."

"What you got over there, Alan?" I asked, seeing him fiddling with a bottle and a few shot glasses.

"Uh-oh, a little Jägermeister." Doug said, my eyes lit up at the mention of alcohol.

"There it is, good call." Phil praised him.

"Um no, this is good, I'd like to make a toast. To Doug and Tracy," Stu started. "May tonight be, but a minor speed bump in an otherwise very long and healthy marriage."

"Cheers." We all said.

"Short and sweet." I said, downing the drink.

"It's just like college." I heard someone say.

"Congratulations, Doug. I know you'll be good for my cousin, I hope for a very long and great marriage." I gave him my short approval.

"Thank you, Tara."

"Alright, I wanna say something -" Phil started but was cut off by Alan, both Doug and I patted Phil's shoulder.

"I wanna talk about something, something that I prepared, tonight."

"Alright, Alan." Doug said, encouraging him.

"'Hello. How about that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. Heh, heh, heh. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But then, Tara and I became close so she was my wolfette, and when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by two. So were there two... So there we were, three of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Tara and Doug joined in later. And six months ago...when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought: 'Wait a second. Could it be?' And now, I know for sure. I just added two more guys to my wolf pack.'"

"Alright!" A few of us said.

"Five of us wolves, one of them wolfettes, running around the desert together in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine' And so, I'd like to make a toast." He said, flipping out a knife. Before I could stop him, he had cut into his flesh on his hand.

"What the fuck, bro!" Phil yelled

"Blood brothers." He explained.

"Make it stop." Stu whined.

"Give me the knife. Slowly. We're not going to cut ourselves." Doug said.

"You fool, you done lost your damn mind, give him the damn knife!" I hollered at him.

"You alright?" Phil asked as Alan sucked on the wound.

"Mm, mhm."

"You need a doctor? You sure?"

"I'm good."

"Perfect, get in here, Alan."

"Get in here, crazy." Stu said.

"Alright," Phil started, lifting his glass, the rest of us followed. "to a night, the five of us will never forget." We all exchanged cheers before downing our drinks.

**A/N: Alriiiight, another update!**

**I left out the whole extended nut scene, I saw the regular movie version, not the extended one, so I just left it out. XD**

**I hope you liked it! I'll probably update again on Thursday, or Friday. You guys can decide.**

**Good? Bad? Lemme know!  
><strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Dude, Where's my Groom?**

**Part IV**

I woke up at the sound of a crash that sounded like a freight train coming through the wall, I just clenched my eyes closed tighter and rolled over. My back and neck ached from being on, what I assumed to be the floor. Although, when I rolled over I was met with a bare, moving, male chest and the small snores of...someone. I heard someone stalking through the room and just closed my eyes yet again. After a few moments I heard a deep roar and Alan's yelling and I shot up from the floor. My head hurt like a bitch, and it would of hurt more had I not moved out of the way, for Alan crashed trough the bathroom door and tripped over my mystery man. He flipped over, clutching his stomach, I looked back from seeing where Stu was to see...Phil? Clutching his stomach next to me. Oh my...I mean, it's not _that _big of a deal but still...I tried remembering what happened last night as Phil told Alan to put some pants on. I hazily remember being at a club, and grinding with Phil, _and_ making out with Phil, but that's about it.

"Just calm down." Phil said to Alan, squinting at the bright sunlight.

"Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom!" Alan hollered.

"Alan, if you do not stop yelling, so help me -" I started but was cut off by Stu. Poor hungover Stu.

"What's going on?" He looked like a lost puppy.

"There is a jungle cat in the bathroom!"

"Did we -?" I tried to ask Phil but he was busy getting up from his spot on the floor, so I settled for sitting by Stu on the couch.

"Okay! I'll check- I'll check it- I'll check it out!" He exclaimed while Alan was still freaking out, holding his shirt down so no one saw...that. I was so disoriented. What is going on? Why is there a chicken across from me and a tiger in the bathroom?

"No, Phil, don't go!" I looked over to see Phil's toned backside walking into the bathroom and peering in. Well, even if I did sleep with him, I did say I was going to get a hot piece of man-ass, right? I was broken out of my reverie by another low growl and Phil slamming the door closed.

"Oh, oh _fuck _he's not kiddin' there's a tiger in there." He said, laughing and pointing to the door.

"No there's not." Stu just slurred. I couldn't help but laugh. Poor kid.

"Yeah it's big! Gigantic!" Alan said. Phil picked up his blue shirt he was wearing when we got here, though why it was out here, I'd never know. Come to think of it, what the hell happened in here?

"Hey, you okay buddy? And Shorty, as much I like what I see, you mind puttin' some clothes on?" I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts, I barely registered that I was wearing nothing but my zebra boy shorts and bra.

"No, I am in _so _much pain right now." Stu said, rubbing his face. I hastily found someone's oversized t-shirt.

"Well damn, look at this place." Phil said, plopping down between me and Stu.

"I know, Phil, they've got my credit card downstairs, I am so screwed." He said, dropping his head into his hands.

"Phil, I think we did the dirty deed last night." I whispered into his ear. He just looked at me.

"Well, that would explain our predicament a few minutes ago." Referring to his unbuckled black pants, my lack of outer clothing, and us sleeping on the floor together.

"Hey, how the hell does a tiger get in the bathroom, I mean it almost killed me!" Alan was still going on about the tiger.

"Dude, Alan. This is the second time I've seen you without pants on in twenty four hours. Please, dude. Do us a favor." I told him, Phil just looked at me weirdly.

"Yeah, I find it a little weird that we have to ask twice." Phil agreed. I spotted my jean shorts over by the bar, and ran over to grab them. As I bent down, I heard Phil let out a whistle. I glared over my shoulder.

"Pants, at a time like this? I don't have any." Alan said, frantically searching for something of a cover. He spotted a towel and wrapped it around his waist.

"When did you get a tramp stamp, Shorty?"

"I don't have a- Oh my." I said, looking into a mirror and lifting up my shirt. Right there, above my butt, was a tattoo with intricate designs and the name Cowboy in the middle.

"Who's Cowboy?" Phil asked.

"My great dane." I said, a little embarrassed. I slipped on my shorts and sat back down on the couch.

"What the fuck happened last night?" Phil asked no one in particular.

"I don't know. Phil, Tara, am I missing a tooth?"

"I can't- Holy shit." Phil laughed. I slapped him over the head.

"Oh my god. My lateral incisor, it- it's gone!" Stu said, looking in the mirror.

"Okay, okay. Just calm down, everyone's fine. It's fine. Alan, go wake up Doug, let's get some coffee and get the fuck out of Nevada before housekeeping comes." Phil said, rubbing the sleep -and hangover- out of his eyes.

"I concur." I said, standing up and going into my room to change my shirt. I heard Phil and Stu talking about how Stu's gonna tell Melissa about his tooth and how Stu's freaking Phil out and how he has a massive headache. I rolled my eyes as I changed my shirt, my old striped crop top again, and started rubbing the run off makeup off my face, noting the hickeys and bite marks on my neck. "You're not the only one, Phillip!" I yelled, although I regretted it from my head. As soon as I finished I started looking through my bag for something for my headache, but all I found was Midol. It'll have to do.

"Hey guys, Doug's not in his room." My eyes widened as I swallowed the pills. I ran out of room to see Alan pointing toward Doug's room.

"What?" I yelled, everyone -including me- cringed at the noise.

"Did you check all the rooms?" Phil asked.

"Yeah, I looked everywhere, plus his mattress is gone."

"Are you fucking with me right now?" I exclaimed.

"Oh whatever, he's probably just down at the pool getting some breakfast, I'll call his cell." Phil said, pulling out his phone. I sat down next to him. Damn boy, cover up those abs, or we might have to recap last night.

"I look like a nerdy hillbilly!" Stu said, examining his, lack of a, tooth once again. Phil laughed, and I just patted Stu on the back giving him a pathetic look. We heard Doug's phone ringing and Alan picked it up.

"Hello?" He answered.

"Alan." Phil said.

"Hey."

"It's Phil," He said incredulously.

"Oh hey, Phi- This is Doug's ph- This is Doug's phone." He said flipping the phone closed.

"No shit it's Doug's phone." Phil said, closing his own phone. I just groaned and got up to look for Doug again, -I thought about looking on the roof, that would be the last place I remember seeing him- but was interrupted by a baby crying. I went over to the closet and just saw a baby sitting in a carrier, crying.

"What the eff?" I asked, picking the baby up. It continued to cry. I started bouncing it up and down, when that didn't seem to help and it hollered louder, I just bounced it more and started singing the first song in my head as the guys approached us. "_Smack dat, all on the floor. Smack dat, give me some more. Smack dat, til you get sore. Smack dat, oh ooh." _As I finished the chorus he finally stopped crying and resorted to laughing along with the other guys.

"Who's fucking baby is that?" Phil asked, pointing at him as if he were an alien. "Alan, are you sure we're the only one's in the suite?"

"Yeah I checked, no one's here. Check it's collar or something." Alan said, reaching for his neck. I smacked his hand away.

"Alan, babies don't have collars."

"Shorty, we don't have time for this. Let's go hook up with Doug and we'll deal with the baby later."

"Phil, we are not leaving a baby in here." I said.

"There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!" Stu exclaimed.

"It's not our baby." Phil said. I shot an icy glare over my shoulder and resisted the urge to punch that perfect face.

"I'm gonna have to side with Stu and Tara on this one." Alan said. Good boy.

"Alright fine, we'll take it with us. Just, Alan, find some pants. You're not taking a baby downstairs in a robe, or whatever the fuck that is." Phil said.

"It's a sarong." Alan defended.

"It is, so wrong." I retorted, carrying the baby out of the room and down the hallway to wait for an elevator. _Where was I gonna look for Doug again? _I was still so out of it. By the time everyone got there, the elevator was waiting and Alan had a baby carrier strapped to his chest. I placed the baby inside and took my spot in between Alan and Phil.

"Did you sleep with my cousin last night?" Alan asked suddenly.

"I don't know, maybe."

"Kay well, just don't get her preggers."

"Why can't I remember _anything _last night?" Stu asked, holding a makeshift icepack to his face.

"Because we obviously had a great fucking time last night, will you stop worrying for one minute? Be proud of yourself." He said. I had to agree a little bit.

"I don't know Phil, maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth. Or maybe, it's because there's a tiger in our hotel room which, incidentally, is destroyed. Oh, wait, wait_,_ wait, I know, maybe it's because we found a baby. A human baby. That's it. That's it, it's because we found a fucking baby!" I just looked at Phil and he shrugged and Alan got up from his spot leaning against the wall.

"I don't think you should curse around the child."

"Oh really? I don't think you should _be _around a child." I smacked Stu's arm. Alan may be a little weird, but only I got to insult him.

Then the elevator stopped a little more than halfway down and a nice elderly lady walked into the elevator. She smiled at me and made eye contact with everyone else.

"How cute. What his name?" She asked politely. No one said anything so Phil said;

"Ben." Alan obviously wasn't impressed with that.

"Carlos." The woman looked at me, confused.

"Benjamin Carlos, but his Uncle," I gestured to Alan "likes to call him Carlos." I covered for them, taking Phil's hand and looking at him lovingly -or as much as I could muster. She just smiled back at us.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"Thank you." Phil said as the waiter handed me and him our coffees.

"Hey, guys, look." Alan called our attention. "He's jacking his little weenis." I couldn't help the small smile the spread over my lips and Phil openly smiled.

"Pull yourself together, man."

"Not at the table Carlos." Alan mock scolded him. I giggled.

"I looked everywhere." Stu said, plopping down in his seat, defeated. "Gym, casino, front desk, no one's seen Doug."

"He's fine. He's a grown man." Phil consoled. "Seriously Stu, you gotta calm down. Here, have some juice." He said handing Stu orange juice. I felt a little sick at the sight of that, and Stu promptly vomited right beside me, I could feel the bile rising in my throat. I looked away quickly.

"I can't have juice right now." He whined.

"Okay. Alright, let's track this thing." Phil said, flipping over a napkin and grabbing a pen. "What's the last thing we remember doing?"

"Well, first thing we were doing those shots of Jäger on the roof." I offered.

"Then we ate dinner at the Palm, right?" Phil said righting everything down as I nodded, and Stu retched and coughed.

"We played craps at the Hard Rock and I _think _Doug was there." Alan said.

"That sounds right. No, no. He definitely was." Phil said.

"You know what, guys? I don't even remember going to dinner." Stu said shrugging.

"What the fuck? I don't think I've ever been this hungover." Phil said, leaning back in his chair. I ran my finger absent mindedly through his hair. I could see him visibly relax and close his eyes.

"After the Hard Rock, I blanked out. It was like emptiness." Alan laughed, Stu mocked him, and Phil opened one eyes to scrutinize the men. I didn't say anything, I barely remember after dinner.

"We have until ten P.M. That leaves a twelve hour window where we could have lost him." Phil said.

"What's this?" Alan said, holding up a squarish white thing I only recognized as a tooth.

"Holy shit, that is my tooth. Why do you have that?" Stu exclaimed

"What else is in those pockets?"

"No, this is good. Check your pockets, check your pockets." Phil said, reaching into his own pockets. I found a lonesome condom wrapper in one of my pockets, even though I didn't wear these jeans, which only means I changed and we did it multiple times. I mindlessly threw it onto the table and Phil smirked. "Anyone have anything?"

"I have a receipt for the Bellagio, eleven-oh-five, for eight-hundred dollars, I am so _fucked!"_ Stu's voice raised with each word.

"I have a valet ticket from Caesar's for five-fifteen A.M." Alan said.

"Oh shit, we drive last night?" Phil placed his head in his hands. I internally panicked.

"Drunk driving, classic." Alan laughed. I scrunched my eyebrows and shook my head. "What's on your arm?" I looked to where he was pointing, Phil had a little orange bracelet on his arm.

"What the fuck?" He said, looking at the band. I took his wrist in my hand.

"You were in the hospital last night." I said, shocked.

"I guess so, yeah." He's said, nonchalantly.

"Are you okay?" Alan asked.

"Yeah, Alan, I'm fine." He said mockingly.

"What the hell is going on?" Me and Stu both asked.

"No, guys, this is good. We have a lead now." Phil said, lightening this up.

"Hey, Stu, watch this." Alan started 'jacking Carlos' weenis' again. Stu was trying hardly not to laugh. "You ever seen a baby do that?"

"Alan, not cool."

**A/N: Soo, I was going to update yesterday but life just got in the way. **

**Happy Good Friday to anyone that celebrates it!**

**The part about the sarong and the part last chapter when Tara tells Stu he looks homosexual I stole from the blooper reel. I forgot to mention it, there may be a few other extended scene/blooper reel things stuck in there, in case you don't recognize some of the dialogue (Not including stuff said by Tara)**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and I'll update again soon!**

**Good? Bad? Lemme know!  
><strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Dude, Where's my Groom?**

**Part V**

I was just getting back from getting coffee with Phil when I heard Alan discussing how he found a baby at a Coffee Bean once.

"I'm not sure how I feel about that." I commented, as I examined the baby wearing Alan's sunglasses.

"Hey, Phil, I don't think we should drive the Mercedes." Alan said concerned.

"Don't worry about it, we'll be careful."

"It's just that my dad's crazy about that car and -"

"Alan. We have more important things to worry about."

"Yeah, as much as I love Uncle Sid, cars are replaceable, groom's who are getting married in two days, are not." I said

"Um, guys," Stu said pointing to the roof. "Check it out." We looked over to see Doug's mattress haphazardly thrown over one of the white statues at the corner of the roof.

"Hey man, what's going on here?" Phil approached a man who looked like a younger, tubbier version of my dad.

"Some asshole threw his bed out the window last night." The man answered irritably.

"No shit." Phil said, still examining the mattress.

"Some guys just can't handle Vegas." He slammed the trunk of his car and drove off.

"How the hell did we manage that?" Phil asked. I shrugged and put on my sunglasses.

"You mean guys like us?" I asked no one, really.

"Here's your car, officers." The valet stepped out of a police cruiser. Holy crap. We stole a cop car.

"Alright, everybody act cool. Don't say a word. Let's just get in, and go." I nodded and called shotgun. "Stu, you got a five?"

"No."

"I'll hit you on the way back." Phil said, climbing into the seat. I was just closing my door when I heard the baby start to cry again. And Stu saying something about how Alan nailed the baby.

"Are my glasses okay?"

"Your glasses are fine, dick." Stu said, sliding in after Alan.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

We were heading to the hospital, and we got stuck in traffic. Phil's been impatiently honking the horn for ten minutes.

"Phil, if you honk that horn one more time, I will rip your balls off with my teeth." I threatened. He winced and took his hand off the horn.

"This is so illegal." Stu complained, _again. _

"Can't you see the fun part in anything?" Phil asked

"Yeah, we're stuck in traffic in a stolen police car and what is sure to be a missing child back here with us. Which part of this is fun?" I just laughed and shook my head.

"Pretty much all of it." I said.

"I think the cop car part is pretty cool." Alan acquiesced.

"Thank you Shorty, thank you Alan. It is cool. Doug would have loved it." He honked the horn again, and yelled 'come on'.

"Phil! It's not helping stop, it!" I yelled again.

"But this will. Check this out." He said, turning on the siren and pulling up onto the sidewalk.

"Oh no, no, no. Phil, don't do this!" Stu whined

"Take it easy," Phil said

"Yeah, this is pretty fuckin' sweet!" I said

"Just try to call more attention to us." I couldn't tell if Stu was being sarcastic or serious. Phil took him seriously. He picked up the mouth piece for the blow horn.

"_Attention. Attention please. Please move out of the way. I repeat, please disperse." _Phil hollered while Stu apologized out the window to people passing by.

"Phil, stop the car. I wanna get out. Stop the car. Pull over." Stu requested repeatedly.

"_Ma'am, in the leopard print dress, you have an amazing rack_." I saw Phil smirk as the woman acknowledged his compliment.

"How you about to do that to me, after we had sex multiple times?" I asked, smacking him upside the head.

"I'm sorry, you have an amazing rack too." That just earned him another punch.

"Get off the sidewalk!" Stu repeated multiple times.

"I should have been a fucking cop." Phil said. I couldn't imagine what was worse, Phil teaching Doug and Tracy's future kids history, or Phil teaching Doug and Tracy's future kids about drug safety. They were both revolting. I inwardly shivered.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"Shorty, you wait out here with the baby while we talk to the doctor." Phil told me as they entered a patient's room with the doctor that treated Phil last night. How exactly did he end up in the hospital anyway? As I played with the baby in the designated area, he started to whine at me. He either needed changed or was hungry, and I could provide neither.

"I know you're hungry, little guy, but my little bubbies are lactose intolerant." I said, motioning at my lack of breast milk. A few parents gave me disapproving looks. "It's not my baby. Not my problem." I replied, and saw the guys coming out. I joined up with them as the doctor read off Phil's symptoms.

"Okay, here we go. Patient name; Phil Wenneck two forty-five A.M. arrival. Minor concussion, like I said. Some bruising. Pretty standard."

"Do you mind if I look? I'm actually a doctor." Stu asked, trying to pry the chart off the doctor's hands.

"Yeah, you said that multiple times but really you're just a dentist." I could already tell this doctor was an asshole. "Okay, this is interesting. Your blood work came back this morning. Wow, they found a large amount of Ruphylin in your system." All of the guys looked at him confused.

"Wow, retards, roofies. The date-rape drug." I said to them.

"What, so you're saying I was raped last night?" Phil looked right at me. I lifted my arms and shook my head, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Actually," The doctor flipped forward a few pages, all of us looked pretty worried. "I don't think so. But, someone did slip you the drug. I'm not surprised you don't remember anything." Alan laughed, I looked at him disapprovingly.

"Doc, none of us could remember anything from last night, remember?" Ala said, laughing. We all just looked at him.

"Yeah, how could someone have drugged all of us?" Phil asked.

"Look, by now it's out of your system so I wouldn't worry about it. You're gonna be fine. I have to go."

"Wh-wh-wait. Is there anything else, maybe something we'd been talking about?" Stu asked.

"You guys kept talking about some wedding or something." He answered I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah no shit, we're on our friend's bachelor party." I said.

"You know what, I want my hundred back." Phil said. What hundred?

"No, no, no, easy. You kept talking about some wedding that you just came from at the, uh, Best Little Chapel. You kept saying how sick the wedding was, and kept going crazy about it." Phil started to write this all down. "I hope this helps but I really have to leave."

"Wait, do you know where Best Little Chapel is?"

"Yeah I do, it on the corner of Get A Map, and Fuck Off. I'm a doctor. Not a tour guide. Figure it out, you're big boys." He started walking away.

"What, do I have a penis now?" I yelled, he ignored me. "Yeah, well, I bet he's just jealous because we've gotten more action, combined, in one night than he has in his entire existence!" Ass wipe.

"Shorty, go get directions from the receptionist, we'll pull the car around." I nodded. I chatted with the nice receptionist briefly on why exactly we had a baby that didn't belong to us and why we were in the hospital drunk out of our minds last night. Phil pulled the car around and honked impatiently, waving me to the car. I smiled and thanked the woman.

"There it is! The ugly one!" I pointed to the gaudy pink chapel. Phil pulled in. "What about the baby?" I asked as everyone got out of the car.

"Leave him, we'll just be five minutes." Phil said. "I cracked a window.

"Phillip Wenneck, you call yourself a father. I'm not leaving this baby in the car."

"Fine, Alan give her the carrier." I properly guilt tripped Phil into letting me take the baby in.

"What if they don't remember us?" Stu asked.

"We'll just have to find out." I said.

"I'm sor- Excuse me, sir?" Phil asked the man standing behind a petite lady on a ladder.

"Oh! Look at these guys! What happened? You miss me? You miss Eddie?" The Indian man approached us, we just looked at him confusedly. He hugged me first. "Short stack! How you doin', kid! You want more from me or more from him, eh?" He pointed over to Phil and hugged him next. I'm sure my face was beet red as I caught onto his innuendo. "Look at this guy! You fuckin' crazy!" He hugged Alan, who hugged him as if he'd known him his entire life. "Listen, I'm gonna tell you something, man, I know some sick people in my life. This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I've ever met in my entire life." He said gesturing to Stu. Wait, what?

"Who, this guy?" Phil asked, pointing to Stu.

"This guy, is out of his mind, what's going on, you fucking crazy motherfucker?" He asked, hugging Stu. I openly gawked. "I thought he was gonna eat my dick. What happened? No love for Eddie? You don't hug me."

"No, no. It's not that, Eddie. Uh, it's just that we're having a hard time remembering what happened here last night." Stu explained.

"Yeah, was there a wedding? Do you guys do weddings here?" Alan asked, I laughed out loud. Everyone just looked at me.

"You are cracking my balls, man."

"Obviously we were here," Phil said.

"We're looking for our friend Doug, do you remember him?" I asked Eddie.

"Yeah, the small guy, like a monkey." I was slightly offended, but come to think of it, he was a bit of a monkey.

"Is there _anything _you can tell us about what happened last night?" Stu asked, I nodded.

"You don't remember nothing?" We shook our heads. He led us over to a counter, where a wedding album was sitting. We opened it tentatively.

"Congrats, Stuey, you got married!" I said to him as I looked at picture of Stu with a golden haired girl who was looking at Stu while he showed off her ring, and was smiling awkwardly at the camera. I heard him groan, and we flipped the page.

"Looks like I'm not the only one." Stu mocked. I gaped at a similar picture of me and Phil. Oh shit...

"This can't be happening" Me, Phil, _and _Stu all said at the same time as we looked at more pictures from our 'weddings'. We flipped to a large one, of Stu grabbing his wife's boob, and Phil grabbing my boob while everyone else stood around and smiled. I groaned and smacked my forehead with my hand. The next page revealed one of Phil's arm still outstretched from touching my boob, and me post-punching Phil in the face. I looked down at my hand.

"Well, that explains the bruise on my knuckles." The next one showed Stu and his wife, and the next showed Phil, on one knee, kissing the hand that I punched him with, already a bruise forming on his face. "And that explain the minor bruising." I sniggered.

"I'll tell you one thing, you look seriously happy." Phil said, pointing to one of Stu's wife on his back and them laughing as she pointed to her ring.

"So do you." Alan said, pointing to one of me and Phil making out in the pews. I joined Stu in his little freak out.

"That's it. My life is over." Stu whined.

"It's okay, look, shit happens. Come on, Melissa's not gonna know anything about this. This never happened, I'll take care of it." Phil said, looking at Eddie, who's wife was carrying two big boxes of things.

"What is all that?" I asked.

"The high roller package, you both ordered it. Here we have mugs, hats, calenders of Stu and Jade and Shorty and Phil.

"Her name's Jade?" Alan asked, as I pulled Phil aside.

"Phil, what are we gonna do about this?" I asked.

"Well, we can easily get it annulled." He suggested, and I just looked around and bit my lip. "What? You actually _want _to be married? To me?"

"I mean, yes, it's a problem, but I don't come from a family of divorce and my parents would kill me if they ever found out." I saw him rub his face and stop to think. "Am I that bad?"

"No, no. I just got out of a bad marriage, I don't want it to happen again, especially with someone I like so much."

"Well, we can just work through it slowly. We'll take it slow, and figure out where it's gonna go." He nodded. I smiled slightly. So, not only did Phil like me, I could finally tell my parents I got married?

"We found out where Carlos came from!" Alan exclaimed as we entered back into the scene.

"A vagina?" I asked, Phil laughed.

"No, well yes, but Jade. Jade's vagina." Alan cleared it up.

"Well, we need Stu's marriage annulled, can you do that? Do you do annulments here?"

"Of course I do, it breaks my heart. But I can't do it without the chick."

"Okay well, she would have filled out some kind of paperwork." Eddie nodded and got Jade's information.

"Wait, so you and Phil are staying married?" Alan asked me, I nodded. "I never thought I'd see the day." I rolled my eyes.

Phil got the paperwork, and we went back out to the car for which was sure to be interesting as we looked for Stu's wife, Jade. Boy how someone could be so right, and yet so wrong.

**A/N: Well, here ya go!**

**Happy Easter everyone!**

**Good? Bad? Lemme know!  
><strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Dude, Where's my Groom?**

**Part VI**

**I figure I should be answering anon reviews. So, I'm answering questions or commenting on a few of anon reviews, I'll list who it is and what chapter they're from.**

**Gabbi (Chapter 3): Yes, you may actually! XDD Just kiddin'. But I'm taking it as a compliment. Thank you for reading!**

**Flik-wishes (Chapter 4): Haha about the Akon thing, That's actually the whole reasoning behind making this story to be completely honest, so I could sing that song to a baby and not get in trouble because frankly, on in Las Vegas...**

**Flik-wishes (Chapter 5): I initially hadn't expected them to get married but decided to slip it in there, Tara had reasoning for staying married, which you read about, I thought about having Phil put up a fight but I was just too lazy so, whateva whateva, I do what I want. hahah Thank you for reading!**

**Thanks to all my reviewers/alerters/just plain readers. I appreciate you all for even being interested in my writing.**

**Enjoy :D  
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"Hey Phil, what about my dad's car?" Alan asked as we approached the police cruiser.

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back."

"Yeah, and then I vote we torch the cop car." Stu said. "And all this shit with it."

"What the hell?" I asked, putting the baby in the back of the car, while the boys loaded everything in the trunk.

"Torch it, who are you?' Phil asked.

"I don't know, Phil. Apparently I'm a guy who marries complete strangers. This whole situation is completely fucked! This mug." He threw and broke the mug. "This hat!" He stole the hat off Alan's head and threw it down. "This car!"

"Hey!" Alan yelled, offended that Stu took his hat.

"It's all evidence. Of a night that _never happened_! That is why we're torching all of it."

"Whoa bro, whoa. Calm your tits." I ordered.

"Yeah, I'm a school teacher, I have a son and a new wife, okay? I'm all for secrecy but I'm not gonna torch a cop car." I nodded and stood next to Phil.

"Well, then I'll do it." I gaped at Stu's statement.

"Can I help?" Alan asked. I gaped at him too.

"Alan, no, you cannot help! What the hell is wrong with you?" He just shrugged. "Well, remember not to drop the soap when you're in prison."

"Yeah, thanks." Stu said. I was going to scold him, before someone's phone started ringing. Mine was in the hotel room, so I knew it wasn't mine. We pin pointed it as Stu's.

"Is it Doug?" I yelled.

"It's Doug, it's Doug, answer." Phil said.

"It's Melissa." Stu said, disappointingly.

"Don't answer." I told him.

"I have to, she's called twice already!" Stu said, answering his phone. I called shotgun and Alan kicked the tire.

"Sorry, buddy." I said, patting his shoulder. He climbed in next to the baby.

"You're sure you wanna stay married?" I confirmed, as Phil started the car. He nodded and draped an arm over my thighs as I leaned over to peck his cheek. _We're already that annoying married couple. _I inwardly groaned.

"It'd be cool if I could breastfeed, you know?" Alan said, looking straight forward. Phil and I both looked back at him.

"No it's not. Your boobs get saggy and they leak so, no you don't. You have to drop everything just to whip out your boob and let a baby bite into it. Not fun." I told him. I had no idea what I was talking about. I was just saying stuff. He and Phil both grimaced a backed off. I was about to say something else, when we heard a car skid to a stop, and two thugs got out.

"What the fuck?" Phil asked, pushing my head down. This was not a very comfortable position.

"Get out of the car!" One thug yelled, holding a baseball bat. I heard Stu talking about how there was a problem with the tractor. "Where the hell is he?"

"Hey, easy, easy, easy, I think we're looking for the same guy okay?" Phil tried to smooth things over. The only think I could think of was that we were going to die. I heard the baby start to whine, and I looked up. The thug brought down his bat, literally right in front of my face, cracking the windshield.

"Why would there be a baby? We're at a winery. It's a baby...goat." More like a fucking whinery. What is this shit?

"Where is he?" The thug yelled again.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I screamed.

"No, that's just another lady who's frustrated at the malfunctioning tractor. Can we please get going?"

"I'm trying but we're fucking blocked!" The thug hit the windshield again. The baby started crying.

"This shit ends now. Hey! There is a baby on board! Cut it out! This is bullshit!" I yelled, getting out of the car and snatching the bat out of the guys hands and hitting him over the head with it, and punching his face until he went down, still screaming. I cannot stand the screaming of a whiny baby. It's just not happening for me. My baby cries, I'm sticking it in the closet until it stops. That and when my kid does something bad, it's going in the closet.

"Tara, get your ghetto ass in the car right now and let's go!" Phil hollered, saying my real name for once since he met me. Yes, people called my butt my ghetto black girl butt.

"Why you making trouble for my business, man?" I looked over and saw Eddie coming out of the chapel.

"Phil, he's got a gun!" I heard Alan yell.

"No shit, he's got a gun!" I heard Phil yell. I looked back at the car and Alan and Stu were just sitting there, freaking out, and Phil was coming out of the car. I heard a gun go off, and felt the slight graze of the bullet on my right shoulder before someone knocked me over, pulling me up, and throwing me in the car.

"He shot Eddie!" Alan exclaimed. "And almost my cousin!"

"Fuck this shit!" Phil said, throwing the car into reverse and running over the remaining thug's foot. "Tara, what the fuck is your problem?" He screamed at as Stu tried to comfort the crying baby. I was too busy checking my shoulder and just seeing a nasty red line where the bullet grazed over the skin. "You could have been fucking shot! Don't try that shit ever again!" I felt like I was being scolded by my father and felt the tears stinging the corners of my eyelids, I felt so childish, but the adrenaline was finally wearing off and I realize I could have been shot. I distantly heard Stu screaming about what was going on.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. out of the corner of my eye I saw him look over at me and take my hand.

"I just got a better wife, I don't need her getting away so quickly." He told me, I laughed quietly.

"It's Melissa." I heard Stu say.

"Why don't you let that go to voice mail?" Phil more ordered than suggested.

"Ha-ha-ha." He laugh sarcastically. "That was a fake laugh, by the way!" Stu said, his voice cracking on every word.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"It's got Ted Danson, Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor." Alan said, trying to explain what our situation was like to Stu.

"Shut up, Alan!" Stu yelled, I glared daggers at his back.

"3 Men and a Baby, Alan." I said, still nursing my shoulder. Phil kissed it lightly, I've never known him to be so caring.

"I already checked with her," We heard a female voice say panicked. "I found him, I'll call you back. Thank God he's with his father! I was freaking out." A blond that I only recognized as Jade walked out, and took the baby from Alan. "I missed you sweetie. And I miss you." She said, kind of making out with Stu. "What the _hell _happened to you guys?" She asked excitedly.

"We were kind of hoping you could tell us." Phil said.

"What do you mean? I went out to get coffee this morning and when I came back you were just gone." She said, looking at Stu. "Why are you being so quiet?"

"I'm not being quiet." He said, rather embarrassed. _I hope they get married for real. _

"I have to feed Tyler, come in, you guys." She said ushering us inside. I asked for an ice pack.

"Did you hear that? The baby's name is Tyler." I heard Alan say sadly.

"Yeah. I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud." I heard Phil said encouragingly. Aw.

"Okay, what's up? You guys are acting weird." She said, bringing a glass of iced tea to Stu.

"Look, it's Jade, right?"

"Very funny, Phil."

"Right, Jade, you remember our friend Doug?"

"Of course! He was our best man."

"Exactly well, we can't find him, and we're getting worried." I rolled my eyes at the understatement of the year.

"Oh, that is _so _Doug!" As if she's known him for more than eight hours. She was still laughing when Stu suddenly spit his iced tea on Jade and the baby and she went to clean him up.

"What the hell?" I asked.

"What the fuck, man, you've gotta get yourself together." Phil said.

"Holy shit."

"Hey man, she's hot." I said.

"Yeah, be proud of yourself." Phil agreed with me.

"She is wearing my grandmother's ring!" He almost yelled. "Yeah, you know my grandmother's holocaust ring, the ring I was going to give to Melissa?"

"Well, she's better than Melissa and I don't even remember hanging out with her." I got up and asked where the bathroom was. I was dying to see what my wound looked like. I found it easily in the small apartment, and took down the sleeve of my shirt and the strap of my bra. I looked like someone whipped my shoulder. And it burned a bit. I sighed heavily and wondered how I was going to cover this up for the wedding. _Oh shit! _The wedding! We need to find Doug. I ran back out into the living room.

"I have a question, when you said your shift ended, does that mean you're a nurse? Or a...Blackjack dealer?" Stu asked.

"You know this, I'm a stripper! Well, technically I'm an escort but, stripping's a great way to meet the clients." Everyone just nodded and I took my place beside Phil.

"Smart." Phil said. I looked at him weirdly.

"Savvy." Stu agreed.

"But that's all in the past, now that I married a doctor." She said, looking to Stu.

"I'm just a dentist." He humbled himself.

"Las Vegas police! Freeze!" I heard someone yell before the door was kicked open. Phil pushed my head down, again, as various police stomped into the room.

"Fucked. That's what we are." I said to Phil angrily in the police car.

**A/N: Sooo, here's the next update! haha Hope you all like it :3 Don't be afraid to tell me if you don't, or if you have any suggestions. The story is already all written but if there's something you would like in there, I'll try to work it in somehow! I want my readers to love what they're reading.**

**Anyway, this one's a shorter one, I'm hoping next chapter will be longer.  
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**Good? Bad? Lemme know!  
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	7. Chapter 7

**Dude, Where's my Groom?**

**Part VII**

I waited, tired, frustrated, and hungry in the waiting area of the Las Vegas Police Department as Phil called Tracy and made a lame excuse. I felt terrible. I refused to talk to her, afraid I'd spill the beans. Phil covered that I was at the pool. Phil had that stupidly cute lopsided grin that only told me that Tracy was buying it. And finally we got called to the interrogation room.

I rubbed my arms where the officers put the cuffs on as we waited for the person who was interrogating us to come in. Finally the door opened and a tallish man, and a large African-American woman stepped through the door.

"Lady and gentlemen. We've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we found your Mercedes." He said, tossing the case file onto the table. We all breathed a sigh of relief.

"That's great news." Stu said.

"Yeah, it's over at impound right now. We picked it up at five in the morning. Found it parked in the middle of Las Vegas Boulevard."

"Huh. That's weird," Phil said.

"Yeah. It is weird. There was also a note. 'Couldn't find a meter but, here's four bucks'." He threw down a napkin with barely legible handwriting I recognized as my own. Many a nights I found drunk notes posted around my apartment. "The bad news is," He broke me out of my reverie. "we can't get you in front of a judge until Monday morning."

"Oh uh, officer, that's just impossible no, we need to be in L.A. tomorrow for a wedding." Phil tried to reason.

"You stole a police car!" The woman finally spoke up.

"We didn't steal anything. We, uh, found it." Stu said, I nodded.

"Yeah if anything, we deserve a reward or something. Like a trophy." Alan said.

"I'll buy you a trophy, Alan." I told him, he brightened.

"I see assholes like you everyday." The man said angrily.

"Every _fucking _day."

"'Let's go to Vegas, we'll get drunk and laid!'" The man imitated 'us'.

"Yeah, woo-hoo!"

"Woo! 'Let's steal a cop car, 'cause it'd be really fucking funny!'"

"Think you can get away with it?" She looked all of us squarely in the eyes. "Not up in here."

"Not up in here!" The man yelled, making me jump.

"Sir, ma'am, if I may, um, I'm assuming that squad car belongs to one of you," Phil started. Great, he was going to land us in prison.

"Yeah," They both answered.

"Look, I'm not a cop. I'm no hero, I'm a schoolteacher. But if one of my kids went missing on a field trip, it'd look really bad on me."

"What are you getting at?" The man asked suspiciously.

"Yeah Phil, what are you getting at?" Stu asked. I just placed my hand on Phil's back in a supportive manner.

"No one wants to look bad, we gotta get to wedding, and you guys don't need people talking about some obnoxious tourists borrowed your squad car last night." It finally dawned on me, he was going to bribe the police. "But, look, the point is, I think we can work out a deal. Discreetly of course, ma'am. What do you say?" The woman showed a male officer a piece of paper and he laughed nodding.

"Let me ask you a question: Do any of you have any heart conditions or anything?" The man asked us, whatever this was, it couldn't be good so, I lied.

"Um, yeah, I'm pregnant." I said, laying my head on Phil's shoulder.

"You were wasted last night." The woman eyed me suspiciously.

"No, I was drugged. And I really don't want anything else to potentially harm the baby." I said, welling up tears and placing a hand over my stomach. The man nodded. _Thank you, acting classes. _Phil just looked at me.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"Okay, you kids are in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how to use a stun gun to subdue a suspect!" I was suddenly glad for my lie as the children got more and more excited, but was also worried for the well being of the three men. Stun guns were used for taking down threatening people. None of them were threatening.

"Wait, what?" Phil asked

"Now, there are two ways to use a stun gun," He said, ignoring Phil. "Up close and personal." He said simply, walking up to Stu and shocking him. My eyes widened as Stu screamed, rather girlish, and fell to the ground, and everyone else laughed.

"What the fuck?" Phil exclaimed

"Or, you could use it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers who wanna come up here and do some shooting?" Almost every hand went up in the room. Little bastards. He chose a small girl who was particularly excited about shooting someone and she came to the front. "Let's go, handsome come on." He said to Phil. He didn't move so, Alan assumed he was talking about him. "Not you, fat Jesus, slide it on back. You, pretty boy. Now, it's real simple. All you gotta do is point, aim, and shoot." He explained to the girl. Phil looked around nervously as she raised the stun gun.

"Look, you don't really want to do this." He tried to reason with her. She started to lower her arm.

"You can do this, just focus." The officer encouraged her.

"Don't listen to this maniac, let's think this through." Phil said, worriedly.

"Finish him!" The officer yelled, she pulled the trigger and the activators hit him right in the balls. I visibly winced and watched as he yelled, falling to his knees. I promised myself I'd never kick a man's balls again. I ran over to him after the larger officer moved him out of the way.

"Shit, Phil, are you okay?" I asked him, he was still groaning in pain. Through pure instinct, without even thinking twice about it, I lowered my hand to his crotch and started rubbing. I watched as the chubby kid Alan had a run in with earlier held then stun gun until Phil's hand grabbing my wrist brought my attention back to him.

"Now is not the right time for this." He groaned out. Whoops. Forgot where we were and what I was doing. I watched again and Alan got shocked a second time, he refused to go down with a first shock, I went over to see if he was okay, and moved onto Stu as the kids moved on to get their fingerprints done.

"Fuck those guys, you hear me? That was bullshit, I'm telling everyone we stole a cop car!" Stu yelled as we waited for our Mercedes. I had to agree.

"Agreed!" I piped up. Phil glared at me as if saying, 'You wouldn't know.' "Hey, you should have been smart and lied." I defended myself. He looked away angrily.

"They let us go, who cares?" He said angrily.

"I care! You can't just do that, you can't just tase people because it's funny!" He continued to yell "That's police brutality."

"I'll admit, it would have been funny had it not happened to you three." I said.

"I'm getting a soda. Anybody want anything?" Stu said, trying to calm down.

"I'll go." I offered. I nudged Phil and he shook his head. "Look, Stu, I'm sorry about what happened to you guys but we've got more important things to worry about. I mean, Doug is missing and he's marrying my cousin tomorrow. This is a big city, and we don't even know if he's even in it."

"I'm sure he's fine. He couldn't have gotten that far." Stu reassured me, gesturing for me to follow him back to the guys. "I'll tell you another thing, six to one odds our car is beat to shit."

"Stu, not now." Phil said.

"No, how much you want to bet it's fucked beyond recognition."

"That's enough. Alan's seriously worried, let's not freak him out even more." I smiled slightly at Phil's sensitivity and approached Alan.

"You okay, buddy?" I asked, nudging his shoulder. He nodded and I hugged him.

"I'm sorry, Alan. You know what? We'll search the car for clues. Everything's gonna be fine." Stu acquiesced

"Oh shit, I can't look." All of us said, as we heard the approaching of a car. I peaked through my fingers and saw that the car was fine.

"It's fine guys. Let's go."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

We were riding in the car, me in the back with Alan, and Phil in the front with Stu. Phil was checking anywhere he possibly could from the driver's seat as Alan checked the back. I didn't want any reminders of what may have transpired between me and Phil last night.

"I found a cigar." Stu offered.

"Hey, I found Black shoes." Alan said, holding up a pair of black square-toed boots.

"They women's shoes?" I asked, he handed them up front.

"Who's are those?" Phil asked

"It's a men's size six." Stu checked the inside.

"What is this a snakeskin?" Alan asked, holding up a used condom. I couldn't help but remember the condom wrapper I found in my jeans pocket this morning.

"Oh my go- Alan, that's a used condom!" I exclaimed, Alan threw it up front and we started laughing. Stu threw it back, and I threw it on Phil.

"Get that out of the car. Hey!" Phil yelled as it connected with his shirt. "Get it off, shit, I got jizz on me!" Stu was actually laughing as Phil tried desperately to get it off his shirt, and threw it out the driver's side window, and pulled into an empty lot. "Alright, what the _fuck, _man?" He looked back at us, I flinched. "We have got to get this shit together, guys!"

"HEY!" I screamed, "Excuse us for wanting to laugh for once since this whole situation fucking happened! Taking a fucking Midol!" I was in the middle of scolding Phil when we heard a distinct banging in the trunk. "What is that?"

"It's in the trunk. Doug's in the trunk!"

"Holy shit! Oh fuck!" Phil yelled as all of us climbed out of the car, I was halfway out of the car when a naked Chinese man flew out of the trunk onto Phil's shoulder, beating him with a crowbar.

"Get. Off. My. Husband! You bastard!" He hopped off of Phil, who promptly fell over, hit Stu, and ran over to me, hitting me right in the stomach. I screamed in pain and ran in front of the car to empty the contents of my stomach. I heard Alan yelling about how he hated Godzilla and then I saw the little man still running away, still naked. My stomach hurt like a bitch. But, I was guessing everyone else was hurting worse than me. Phil and Stu were crawling over to the car while Alan propped himself against the tire. I crawled over and plopped myself belly down in the dirt.

"The fuck was that? That was some fucked up shit! Who was that guy? He was so mean!" Phil hollered, I tried to laugh at his childish manner but it hurt too much.

"I have internal bleeding, somebody call 9-1-1." Stu moaned. I coughed, noticing a little blood when I spit.

"Shorty, hey Tara, you okay?" Phil asked me, rubbing my back. I shook my head and muttered 'sorry for yelling at you.' "Forget about it."

"Guy's, there's something I need to tell you." Alan broke us out of our reveries. I lifted my head from the ground to look at him. "Last night on the roof, before we went out, I slipped something in our Jägermeister."

"What?" Stu and Phil both said.

"I'm sorry, I fudged up guys."

"You drugged us?" Stu asked accusingly.

"I didn't mean to. Somebody told me it was ecstasy." I was mad at Alan, yes, but he honestly didn't know. Although, why he tried to give us ecstasy, I'll never know. I groaned again as I took a long breath, and Phil lifted my shirt to examine my wound. I heard his sharp intake of breath and looked down to see a nasty large purple, red and blue bruise already forming.

"Well, who told you it was ecstasy?" I asked calmly.

"The guy I bought it from at the liquor store."

"Why would you give us ecstasy?" Stu said, still seething.

"I wanted everybody to have a good time, and I knew you guys wouldn't take it. It was just one hit each. I used to do three hits a night." As long as had known Alan, I never knew that about my cousin.

"But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan, it was roofies!"

"You don't think I know that, Stu?" Alan defended "The guy I bought it from seemed like a real straight shooter."

"You mean the drug deal at the liquor store, who wasn't a good guy?"

"Let's just calm down." Phil finally piped up.

"You fucking calm down! He drugged us! I lost a tooth! You married Tara, I married a whore!"

"How dare you, she's a nice lady!" Alan yelled.

"Hey! One, I'm not _that _bad to marry Phil, and Jade is not that much of a whore, get a cap, _and _Alan didn't mean to fucking drug you, leave my cousin alone!" I yelled, ignoring the pain in my stomach from sitting up.

"You guys are such fucking morons!" Stu yelled at us, Phil got up threateningly. I pulled on his pant let and shook my head.

"Your language is offensive!" Alan yelled, defending the both of us, somewhat.

"Fuck you!"

"Alright let's just take a deep breath. This is actually a good thing." Phil said, trying to calm the waters

"Yeah, at least someone didn't drug us to actually rape us." I agreed. Stu rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, you guys are right. This is such a good thing, we're totally better off." He said sarcastically. "Let me remind you guys of something: Right now, our best friend Doug is missing probably off somewhere in a ditch, with a meth addict butt-fucking his corpse!" Stu said, as if he hadn't just told me not an hour ago that Doug was probably fine.

"That's highly unlikely." Alan said.

"Let's just get our shit together. Let's go back to the hotel, I'll make some calls. Doug probably back there, he's probably asleep." I nodded and Phil helped me up, walking me over to my side of the car, behind the driver's seat. I heard Alan and Stu arguing again, and then Alan's head making contact with the door.

"I'm sorry, Alan." Stu apologized sincerely. I was still mad at him. The three of them squeezed into the front seat while I laid on the back as we made our way back to the hotel, only for disappointment.

**A/N: Well, here's another update. Don't really have much to say. haha**

**Good? Bad? Lemme know!  
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	8. Chapter 8

**Dude, Where's My Groom?**

**Part VIII**

As we made our way back to the hotel room, Alan suddenly reminded us of our tiger problem.

"Guys, wait, what about the tiger? What if it got out?" Alan asked, he was supporting me while Phil was going to open the door.

"Shit. I keep forgetting about the damn tiger."

"How the fuck did he get in there anyway?" I asked drowsily. I would kill for a hot bath and a nap right about now.

"I don't know. Because I don't remember." Stu said, rather loudly, looking pointedly at Alan.

"Stu, shh. Keep it down." Phil advised. It was late late afternoon so not many people would be asleep but we didn't need to alert everyone to our misfortunes.

"Because one of the, uh, side-affects of a roofie is memory loss." Alan said nonchalantly.

"You are literally too stupid to insult." Stu huffed. I kicked him with as much -little- strength as I could muster.

"Thank you." Alan said, as Phil opened up the door, slowly. I heard Phil Collins playing in the background, and stood upright on my own and, slowly, followed Phil in. He motioned for the other two to follow.

"Did we leave the music on?" Alan asked. Phil and I shushed him and continued walking.

"Don't make any sudden movements." He said, pushing me behind him. Until he ran into a dancing African-American man, and yelled. Stu screamed like a girl, I sniggered but was startled and Alan remained calm.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked.

"No, who are you?"

"Quiet, quiet." We heard a voice say. We all looked to our right and saw another African-American man sitting at the piano, holding up his hands. He turned around, _Mike Tyson? _We all leaned forward to see if our eyes were deceiving us. _I'm going crazy. _

"Mike Tyson?" Phil asked.

"Shh, this is my favorite part coming up, right now." We all walked into the room as he proceeded playing the air drums along with the song. "I can feel it, coming in the air tonight. Need a chorus line guys!" He motioned to us.

"Oh Lord," Me and Alan both sang out.

"And I've been waiting for this moment, for all my life," He sang out rather badly. "One more time guys."

"Oh lord." We all sang and smiled. Until, that is, Mike Tyson punched Alan in the face, so hard I could feel it, sending him to floor.

"Oh jeeze!" Phil said, running over to see if he was okay.

"Oh fuck." I said, kicking his limp leg. I was worried but no way I was bending over with this killer bruise.

"Why did you do that?" Phil yelled.

"Mr. Tyson would like to know why is his tiger in your bathroom." His henchman turned off the music and asked us.

"Oh, wait, hold on. That was completely unnecessary. I'm a huge fan, when you knocked Holmes that was -" Phil went into inner fan boy, rather cutely.

"Explain." The man said simply.

"Look, we were drugged last night, we have no memory of what happened." He replied, calm facade back in place. Tyson and his henchman looked at each other incredulously.

I heard them continue to argue, Stu talking about how he wanted to die, while I let myself down to the floor slowly, and tried to wake Alan up. He was going to have a huge headache, and major black eye.

"We tend to do dumb shit when we're fucked up." Phil said, chuckling. This was no laughing matter!

"I don't believe these guys, man." Tyson said, as I rejoined the group.

"Wait, wait, how did you guys even find us?"

"One of you dropped your jacket. Found it in the tiger's cage this morning."

"Oh shit, the tiger ate Doug!" I hollered. Phil placed his hand over my mouth.

"Yeah, uh, Doug. His wallet and his room key's in there."

"That's our missing friend."

"I don't give a fuck." I was ready to punch the man in the face if I hadn't been afraid he would sit on me.

"Did you guys see him?" Stu asked, I nodded.

"I was fast asleep."

"Yeah, cause if he had been awake, this shit wouldn't have gone down so smoothly."

"Maybe the tiger would have ate his ass like Omar." Tyson said, laughing. The man was psychotic.

"Respect." The man said, taking off his hat.

"What happened to Omar?" Phil asked

"Yeah, and why does he get respect?" I asked, anxiously.

"Don't worry about Omar, he's not with us anymore."

"Okay, I know this is asking a lot but do you think there's some way to go your house, look around, see if there's any clues to our friend?"

"Absolutely. How else you think we gonna get our tiger back? Come on, champ."

"Wha- I'm sorry?"

"We're not gonna put it in the Bentley. You brought it here, you bring it back. What you think? 'Bout forty minutes?"

"Don't make me come back for him." Mike said threateningly.

"That was Mike Tyson." Stu said after they left. I shook my head.

"Yeah, no shit that was Mike Tyson." Phil said.

"I'm just saying. He's still got it." I saw Alan move from the corner of my eye, and went to see if he was alright.

"Alan? Are you okay?" He sat up and nodded. "We've got to get this tiger out of here. Go buy me a steak." I thought he meant for his eye, so I ran and got him a raw steak from a local supermarket around the corner.

By the time I got back, and survived the disapproving looks of strangers, I gave Alan the steak which he promptly started filling with roofies. I heard Phil and Stu arguing about who would give the steak to the tiger and finally caught on.

"You big babies, I'll do it." I offered.

"No way, Stuart. You do it, she's my wife and you lost." They actually did rock paper scissors to see who would give steak to a tiger.

"Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper." Stu scolded Alan.

"Tiger's love pepper. They hate cinnamon. I jammed five roofies in there. Make sure he eats the whole thing."

Phil took a seat on the couch, picking up a magazine, Alan sat in the armchair, and I sat next to Phil, laying down and opting to take a nap. I was just dozing off when we heard Stu scream and exit the bathroom.

"Now what?" He asked.

"We wait." Alan said.

The boys sat around for about twenty minutes, I dozed off but was awake now as Stu started playing the piano. It sounded like a nice tune.

_"What do tigers dream of, when they take a little tiger snooze?  
>Do they dream of mauling zebras? Or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? <em>

_Well don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. _

_Then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug._

_Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug._

_But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers," _We heard the tiger groan and a large clump on the floor.

_"Well then we're shit out of luck." _He wrapped it up. I stood up with rest of the guys and clapped a little bit. They asked me to go get a luggage cart.

When I returned, they had the tiger wrapped up, in the bed sheet that had the piano bench suspended from the floor this morning, and ready to leave. I walked behind the boys with Phil.

"By the way, we're all gonna die." Stu mentioned as we left the hotel room. I shushed him as we made our way to elevator. I ran ahead a little to get the doors ready. They were open, and ready when the boys finally got to the elevator and I pressed the lobby button, hoping no one else would want on. The doors opened halfway down, but no one was there so, we lucked out this time.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"Guys, when's the next Halley's comet?" Alan asked. Phil was driving, Stu was next to him, Alan was next to Stu, and I was half on Stu's lap and half on Alan's lap, and the tiger was in the back.

"Dude, who cares?" Phil asked.

"Do you know, Stu? Tara?"

"It's not for a while, I don't think." I replied.

"Not for, like, another sixty years or something."

"But it's not tonight right?"

"I don't think so," Stu said.

"I got this cousin who saw one once. Said it blew his mind, I wanna make sure I never miss a Halley's comet. So if you guys know when there's gonna be one -"

"Alan, you mean my brother?" I asked, but was promptly cut off by the tiger growling in the back. Phil swerved around the tunnel for a little bit. "Fuck, Phil, pull the fuck over!" He yelled as the tiger scratched him, my hands flew over my mouth. Not really one for blood. He swerved and hit a bus before finally pulling over, and we all scrambled to get out of the car. "We're all gonna fucking die! The tiger's gonna eat all my appendages and I'm gonna be remembered as that girl who got wasted and let a tiger eat her because she stole it from Mike Tyson! Holy shit!"

"Stu, Shorty, it got me!" Phil yelled, I promptly stopped my freak out to examine his wound.

"You got clawed!" Stu exclaimed.

"Ah, fuck!" He yelled, the tiger started ripping out the interior and practically punched out the back window.

"I now have a fear of drugged tigers!" I screamed.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

We'd been pushing this damn tiger in a car that wasn't even broken for the last mile. Alan was directing the car. My stomach and now my legs all hurt. I had never really been the whiney type but, this was not a fun filled weekend to Vegas like I was anticipating. Alan had just gotten done freaking out about driving the car, when we finally pulled into the driveway. Thank God I opted to wear my Vans.

"You're late," The henchmen said after I rang the doorbell.

"You know what, fuck you!" I yelled, Phil silenced me.

"Whatever man, we've been pushing the last mile."

"Come on in, Mike's got something he wants to show you." He said, moving aside. I glared at him as I walked past, in front of Phil.

"That thing's out of control man, you gotta put it down."

"When we got back, we took a look at the footage of the security cameras." Mike said after we all settled on the couch, starting the tape. We saw the five of us walking around his courtyard, wasted.

"Thank God, it's Doug." I said. Everyone started saying how that was our missing best friend.

"Why don't you guys just keep watching. I don't have all night." He said in annoyance. We all watched as Alan got up on a rock and started peeing into the pool, while I was busy wading in it.

"That's me on TV. I've never been on TV before."

"Really Alan? Really?" Phil asked.

_"You're gonna overflow the pool, man." _I heard Doug say. I was disgusted with myself for wading through pee water. This is why I don't swim in public pools. Before the footage changed, it showed Phil jumping in with me.

"I should wait outside." Alan suggested, we all had to agree.

"Don't touch anything." We heard the henchman say. We continued watching as Phil led the tiger out of the grounds, and all of us followed laughing.

"By the way, where'd you get the cop car from?"

"We, uh, stole it from these dumb ass cops." Mike Tyson laughed and signaled for a high five from Stu.

"You know, I'd just like to say, tigers and women are a lot alike, they're just beautiful, elegant, regal creatures." Phil put the tiger in the back of the car and I leaned down at the waist and started baby talking to it, and Phil came up behind me, placed his hands at my hips and started fake-humping my back. _"Check it out, Stu. Fuck this woman, make me a sandwich." _

"Who does shit like that, man?" Tyson asked.

"Yeah, Phil. Who does shit like that?" I asked, crossing my arms, and leaning away. "And you do realize there's a 'he' in kitchen, so really it's a man's place. There's no 'she' in kitchen."

"Someone who has a lot of issues, obviously. I'm a sick man." Phil said, covering up his tracks. "I'm...Sorry?" He looked at me with pitiful puppy dog eyes. I took his face between my hands and kissed his cheek. We continued to watch the footage and it showed me and Phil making out next to the car, Doug was on the ground, Alan threw up on the back of the car, I'm not sure where Stu was. And that was it.

"That's all we got." He said.

"Well, that was hugely helpful because now we know our friend, Doug, was with us at three thirty in the morning, totally alive."

"Thanks again, champ. And, uh, we're really sorry we stole your tiger." Phil made amends with the big man.

"Don't worry about it. Like you said, we all do dumb shit when we're fucked up." And we all left to try and see if we could get anymore clues on the whereabouts of Doug. Why did I agree to this shit?

**A/N: DDDD: There's only two chapters and a short epilogue left. :( Sad times.**

**Anwhoooo. Here's another update. Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Good? Bad? Lemme know!  
><strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**Dude, Where's My Groom?**

**Part IX**

"I think it's officially time we call Tracy." Phil said from the car, I looked over at him like he was crazy. He was in the front with Stu -who was driving- and I was in the back with Alan.

"Hallelujah. Finally, Phil says something that makes sense." Stu said.

"I don't think we have much of a choice. And maybe she's heard from Doug."

"That's what I've been saying this whole time." Stu said, I just looked at him, no you haven't!

"We just need to be completely honest, tell her everything."

"We don't have to tell her everything. We can leave out the stuff about me, marrying a hooker." Stu offered.

"And us getting married and deciding to try this out." I added in.

"Just stay focused on Doug." We came to a stop at a stop light, go figure.

"Guys, what am I going to tell my dad?" Alan said. Oh shit. I forgot about that. I looked away to think of an excuse.

"Alan, don't worry about it, come on, it's just the interiors. I got a guy in L.A. -" I looked back just in time to see an SUV, obviously not stopping, about to hit the car.

"Shit, Phil, get down!" I screamed, bracing for the impact, Phil just looked at me but did what as I said just as the car made contact with ours. We were all screaming as we skidded across the street and finally banged into a pole. My head hit the window and I momentarily blacked out, falling off the seat and onto the floor of the car.

"Fuck." Phil groaned as a light up stripper fell through the top, and the SUV started backing up. "Shorty, you okay?" He asked, I didn't reply. The two thugs from this morning -including one who was sporting a bruise, thanks to me swinging a bat- started climbing out of the car, and we saw the very bottoms of white bell-bottoms and black boots step out of the other side.

"I know that- That's the guy from the trunk!" Alan said, I got up and held the back of my head where I hit it.

"Get out of the car...please." The man demanded.

"Wait, wait, wait, those are the guys that shot Eddie." Stu said.

"Yeah, and Shorty hit." Phil added with a chuckle. The men got impatient and started dragging us out of the car. They started with Phil.

"Ow, okay, I have whiplash!" Stu complained as they pulled him out. The one with the black eye came for me on the other side, as the other one got Alan.

"Dammit, watch it, your _boss _hit me in the stomach with a crow bar!" I threatened the man once more with my fist.

"I want my purse back. Assholes." He demanded. I stood next to Alan.

"What- your purse?" Phil asked.

"That's not a purse, it's a satchel!" Alan defended.

"It's a purse, kay? And you, steal from wrong guy!" He spoke with an accent and broken English. I wanted to laugh if my stomach hadn't started throbbing again.

"Wait a second, wait a second, we stole from _you_?" Phil asked, yet another person we stole from.

"Okay, you know what? We don't remember _anything _that happened last night so, help us out!" Stu said angrily.

"Well apparently, you guys met at craps table last night." The man with the black eye said. He pointed to Alan. "Yeah, you were on a heater and he played your hot streak. Won about eighty thousand.

"No shit, eighty grand? Nice." Phil said. I punched his shoulder and told him to shut up.

"He put the chips in his purse, and you guys took off with it."

"That doesn't sound like us."

"Mine had eighty thousand dollars in it. And this one? Nothing!" He threw it down and stepped on it.

"Hey! There were skittles in there!" Alan yelled, charging for the man. He got punched in the stomach. The Chinese man started laughing.

"Don't let the beard fool you, he's a child." Stu said

"It's funny cause he's fat." I started going for the Chinese man as well.

"Bastard, no one hits my cousin!" I got a slap to the face and punched in the stomach as well. I threw up on the other side of the car again. Phil came and held my hair back.

"Now look, this was obviously a very simple misunderstanding. Alan picked up the wrong purse, it's no big deal." Stu yelled.

"Kay, when it's no big deal," He did a funny accent with it. "How come, when I come out after you guys, barf girl and him start screaming like crazy and throw me in trunk?"

"We did that?" Phil asked incredulously.

"Yeah, you guys said he was your wedding present, like a good luck charm. You wanted to take him home." Phil and I both started cracking up. The man started laughing along and abruptly stopped.

"Aha- Fuck you." The smile faded from his face. "If you want to see friend again, you get me eighty grand."

"You have Doug?"

"You give him to me, or I'll bust a cap in your little Chinese ass!" I said angrily, Phil was holding me back. One of the thugs banged the side of the car and we saw a man tied up with a pillow cover over his head. Phil went to try and get him out of the car before the thug pushed him back.

"Chill out, goatee!" Stu said, Phil backed down "What do you want?"

"Oh not so good now, quid pro quo, douche bag."

"Look, we're very sorry, but this is an easy fix. Alan, where his purse?"

"I don't know."

"It's in the hotel room, right? Yeah, we can get it for you, write you a check right now." Stu offered.

"No checks! Cash only."

"There's a person in there, motherfucker!" I yelled.

"Boring, take nap. Come now." They started walking back toward the car, I could feel myself losing energy. I climbed back into the car, but a shard of broken glass scraped across my stomach and I fell into the car, promptly passing out. The last thing I heard was;

"Bring money to Big Rock at Mojave Desert, at dawn. Too-daloo, motherfuckaaaaaa-." And they drove away and I blacked out.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

I woke up, God knows how much later, with a wet wash cloth on my head, and just in my bra and jeans, with gauze over my stomach.

"What's going on?" I asked groggily. Phil came over to me, in what he wore last night.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Phil, I'm fine. I just have a giant gash and bruise on my stomach." I said sarcastically, sitting up, and wincing.

"Good, come here." He said, turning on the shower. "We need to wash your hair. Make you look presentable and we only have twenty minutes while Stu goes to get Jade. I got up slowly and made my way to the shower. He bent my head over the edge of the tub and started to soak my hair, squeezing some shampoo out and rubbing it into my grimy, nappy scalp.

Ten minutes later, I arrived back into our room with mostly clean skin -I just went over it with a washcloth and soap, and clean, drying hair. Phil tossed me a dress and told me to put it on, it was a one shoulder royal blue fitted dress with embellishment over the bodice. I quickly put on my make up, dried my hair, and sprayed on some midnight pomegranate perfume and was told to go down and play the slot machines near the blackjack tables, and to keep watch. Phil slapped my ass and told me good luck before shutting me outside the room.

Five minutes later, I had a bucket of token-things and saw Alan and Phil coming down the escalator. Alan looked focused, and Phil tried to look intense but it came off as more bored and I winked before turning back to my game.

The hours passed, and the chips racked up. Phil nodded that it was safe for me to come watch and I gave my tokens to an elderly woman. Stu looked relaxed with Jade, and was playing off of Alan. I heard Jade talking to Stu and saw them looking at the man in charge and I saw that he was watching. Alan won one more hand, and Jade fell off her chair laughing.

"That's our queue, let's go." I whispered to Phil and we left, getting into the car. I watched as Stu came out with the money he won, said bye to Jade, and climbed into the front with Phil.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

I slept in the car on the way to desert, and woke up when we arrived.

"Did we have enough?" I asked groggily. They all nodded and smiled, Alan was still singing the 'Best Friend's Song' Phil flashed the headlights of the car to show that it's on, and everyone started climbing out.

"Shorty, stay in the car." Phil said, Alan agreed. I huffed and nodded, sitting back in my seat.

"Fat guy fall on face." The Chinese man laughed once again as Alan fell out of the car. I huffed again and decided to sit on the hood of the car. I left one of my hands inside the car.

"Alright, we got the money. Eighty grand, cash." Phil said.

"Trow it over! Then you get Doug."

"Um, first of all, good morning. We didn't catch your name last night,"

"Mister Chow. Leslie Chow."

"Mr. Chow, it is a please, my name's Stu, this is Phil, Alan, and back there is Tara, or Shorty. And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug before we give you the money, just to verify that he's okay. If that's cool."

"Of course, Stu. that is cool." He said something in Chinese before they brought Doug out. Did Doug get taller? And change? "See he fine, now give me money. Or I shoot him, and I shoot all you mother fuckers, and we take it. Your choice, bitches."

"Give him the money, Stu." Phil said.

"And no more bitch talk either!" I yelled, Phil looked back at me.

"I told you to stay in the car. Isn't the woman supposed to obey her husband?"

"Hey, my hand's in the car. You never said how much of me had to be in the car, _husband._" Stu threw it over, and they quickly counted it.

"All here."

"Let him go!" They shoved Doug forward and took off the pillow case, I sat up and got off the car.

"Hey, he's black!" I yelled. This was not Doug.

"Is this some kind of joke?" Phil asked. "Who the hell is this?"

"That is not Doug." Stu said

"What you talking 'bout, Willis. That him!"

"No, I'm sorry mister Chow, that's not him."

"You see, the Doug we're looking for is a white." Alan explained.

"I told you you had the wrong guy, little boy!" The man yelled after they ripped off the tape. "Damn, Alan, what the fuck you got me into?"

"You know him?" I yelled

"Yeah, this is the guy that sold me the bad drugs, how you doin'?"

"I didn't sell you no fuckin' bad drugs."

"Wait. He sold you the- the Ruphylin?" Stu asked.

"Ruphylin- What?"

"Who gives a shit! Where is Doug?" Phil asked, genuinely mad for the first time.

"I _am _Doug!"

"His name's Doug! Classic mix up of names."

"Come on." Chow said.

"Chow, you gave us the wrong Doug!" Phil yelled.

"Not my problem." He said.

"Fuck that shit!" Phil yelled.

"Yeah, give us the eighty grand back and take him with you!" I yelled.

"No, no, come on, I'll be your Doug." He said, sidling up to me. I shoved him away.

"I'm married, asshole."

"Oh, yeah, okay. I take him back. Right after you suck on these little Chinese nuts. Mm. How that sound?" He said, gesturing like he was jacking himself.

"Yeah, I'll suck on them, right after I rip them off with my teeth and shove them down your mother fucking throat!" I screamed, Phil held me back, while covering his own balls from me.

"Unh, pshhh. So long, gay boys!" And he was gone. DAMMIT!

"He's a nasty little motherfucker." Black Doug said.

"You ever get any ecstasy?" Alan asked.

"No I don't got any fuckin' ecstasy."

"Gah Damnit!" Phil screamed.

"Gosh darn-it!" Alan mimicked, altering the language.

"Shit!" He yelled kicking the dirt.

"Shoot!" Alan mimicked, again.

"Back to square one." I sighed.

**A/N: Here's another update!**

**Just one more chapter and an epilogue to go :(**

**Good? Bad? Lemme know!  
><strong>


	10. Chapter 10

**Dude, Where's My Groom?**

**Part X**

I waited anxiously as Phil explained our situation to Tracy. I could hear her freaking out over the phone. I looked back at the boys, only to come face to face with Stu ready to plow through both me and Phil. I stepped out of the way in time for him just to run into Phil.

"Tracy! Don't listen to him, he's out of his mind. Probably still drunk from last night. Doug is paying the bill, we just ate a delicious brunch. We're in a really big hurry to get back so, we gotta get going. See you later. Bye." Stu said hastily, throwing the phone back to Phil. I helped him up, and he leaned on me.

"What the fuck, man?" Phil asked, coughing.

"I know where Doug is." Our eyes widened and we both made it back to the car as fast as we could. "I don't know, man, it just hit me." Stu said from the back, where he was sitting with Alan and Black Doug. "You remember when we saw Doug's mattress impaled on the statue?"

"Yeah, we threw it out the window." Phil said.

"Impossible. You can't open windows in hotels."

"Well then how did it get -" I started

"Holy shit!" Phil exclaimed, laughing.

"Wait, what is going on?" I asked.

"Doug was trying to signal us." Phil said. "How did you figure that out?"

"Doug made me realize it. Not our Doug, Black Doug." Stu said, excitedly.

"Hey, easy with that shit."

"Sorry." Stu said.

"Can someone please tell us where Doug is?" I asked, gesturing to me and Alan.

"He's on the roof." Stu said. "He's on the roof. We must have taken him up there as a prank so he'd wake up on the roof."

"Like that time in summer camp. We moved his sleeping bag out in the jetty at the lake?" Phil said.

"Which was hilarious. But it's not so funny now because, we forgot where we put him."

"You guys are retarded, you know that?" Black Doug asked, I help up my hands.

"You think he's still up there?" Phil asked.

"Only one way to find out."

We ran through the lobby of the hotel, ready to run up to the roof. Phil asked me to go to the room and fill up a cold bath; he would probably be pretty badly sun burnt from spending the whole day yesterday on a roof. Alan and Stu came in supporting Doug, while Phil came in behind rubbing his head.

"What the hell happened?" I asked, seeing his pained expression.

"I was being a smart ass and Doug tackled me." I slapped him lightly on the chest and went to find a wheelchair upon request.

When I returned, Doug had a bottle of water, my stuff was packed -including my clutch and bag- the room was completely picked up -to my amazement- and Doug was dressed in a robe and a sun hat, ready to go.

I pulled the car around the front and watched as Stu yelled into his phone.

"All flights to L.A. and Burbank are all booked, so we have to drive. And Doug just found out we're married, Stu's married and missing a tooth." Phil explained to my confused look. I just 'Aah'd' and nodded.

"Phil, you better be good to her or I'll kick your ass." Doug threatened. Phil put up his hands. I watched as Stu walked over to Jade as Phil helped Doug into the back of the car. Alan was busy trying to put the hood down, and Phil got up to stomp it down. The car was beat to shit anyway so, why not.

"Stu," Phil hollered.

"Stu," Alan mocked

"Come on." He hit the hood of the car.

"Come on." Alan mimicked.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"At least the trip wasn't a total disaster," Doug offered, I turned around in my seat and pushed my sunglasses up. "I found eighty thousand dollars worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket. Looks like we're going home with some money, guys." I whooped and threw my hands in the air. After opting to pay for all the damage to the room if Phil paid for the room itself, since Stu paid for Alan to play Blackjack. I watched as a van pulled up beside us and threw a garment bag to Stu, who handed it to me, and it was exactly like my maid of honor dress, down to the last seam. And also threw a couple brown parcels, what I guessed to be suits. We narrowly missed hitting another car, and the van drive away. Alan explained that was his buddy.

"So he does have friends." I said under my breath, Phil looked at me with a funny look between, 'If I said that you'd kick my ass' and 'You're supposed to be the nice one.'

We stopped halfway there to change, I changed behind the car, everyone else changed out in the open. I finished first, and let out a low whistle at Phil who was pulling up his pants.

"Wenneck, remember to take those off later tonight!" I yelled from the car and he just winked and flashed me the 'A-Okay' sign, I was desperately trying to tame my hair enough to put it up as they finished getting on their clothes. I also made work of covering up my bullet graze on my shoulder, which was not an easy task.

We were finally in California, almost there, my makeup was nearly done, Stu was putting on socks and Doug was shaving. I tamed Phil's hair enough to gel it down, and moved back to work on Alan's, careful to watch my stomach so I didn't stain the dress.

"Let's not ever do this again." I said, finished, and wiping my hands on my other clothes.

"Agreed." All four boys said.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"Sorry, MapQuest took us on a really crazy route." Stu apologized as we all filed into the bride's chambers. All the groomsmen left to go to the front and I put myself in my place in front of Tracy.

"I was so worried you guys wouldn't make it." Tracy said.

"It was a pretty crazy weekend." I said, eying the cheap little wedding band Phil bought when we stopped to eat. He got them in one of those little fifty cent prize machines, it wasn't much but it was a sweet gesture. As we joined them at the altar, I heard Doug talking about how he'd never put Tracey through anything like that again. I smiled sweetly and looked at Phil. He just winked.

After the ceremony, I saw as Phil exchanged an awkward meeting with his wife, and hugged his son, asking about his soccer game, and then joined me at my table.

"I guess this means I have to move from Santa Monica, huh." I said to him.

"Guess so, 'cause I'm not going anywhere." Phil teased me. So, we were really going to do this. We were really going to act like a married couple.

We were interrupted by Stu and Melissa fighting.

"That is not how this works!" She screeched.

"Oh, good. Because whatever _this _is, isn't working for me!"

"Since when?"

"Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June. Boom."

"You told me it was a bartender." Alan said.

"You're right, I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender."

"You're an idiot."

"You're...just a...bad person. Like all the way through to your core." He was too much of a sweetheart to call her a bitch, and I admired him for it, although I think she deserved it.

Phil pulled me out to the dance floor to join Stu, Doug and Tracy.

After one of the last songs, Phil pulled me aside and pressed his lips to mine. Our first kiss since all this happened. It was slow and sweet, but passionate, a preview of what was surely to come. I wanted this to last with every fiber of my being.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"It really was a beautiful wedding." I said to Doug later on.

"I'll give it six months." Phil said.

"You're a dick. If you give theirs six months you must give ours six _weeks._"

"Pretty much." He said, teasing me.

"Oh, did want a piece of this ass tonight? Better start kissing it." I turned around and smiled teasingly back at him, he just slapped it.

"Guys look at what I found." Alan said, showing off a camera.

"Whoa, that's my camera." Stu said.

"It was in the back seat of the car."

"Are there actually photos on it?" I asked. I groaned when Alan nodded. "We'll look at it once and destroy it forever." It took some persuading but we eventually agreed.

"Oh dear Lord." I groaned.

"Classic!" Alan said. The very first one. It just had to be one of me and Phil. I was upside down on a stripper's pole in just my underwear and bra, and Phil was kissing me intensely -from what it looked like- and sticking dollars bills in the side of my boy shorts.

"Why me?" I yelled, Phil just smirked.

And that's just the beginning.

**A/N: So, here it is. The last chapter. :(( **

**I have a short epilogue written that I'll probably post tomorrow or Sunday depending on what I have time for tomorrow.**

**Good? Bad? Lemme know!  
><strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Dude, Where's My Groom?**

**Part XI**

**Three years after the wedding.**

"Hey lovebirds, how's it going?" Stu asked as he and Alan burst into the new Wenneck household. Phil and Tara had been officially remarried about two and a half years ago, a wedding they actually remembered.

"Dude, my wife is fuckin' crazy." Phil huffed. "She vacuums constantly and she even vacuums the walls. When she sweeps the ceiling she yells 'Die spider babies, die!' Drives me fuckin' nuts." Phil continued to complain to his friends. Stu heard the vacuum running in the back of the house. Alan looks around strangely, while Stu looks extremely awkward. Phil laughs loudly as he punches both of them playfully on the arms. "Ah, I'm just fuckin' with you guys. I love my wife more than the first. We're super happy, and good news; she's pregnant again!"

"I told you not to get her pregnant." Alan warned, reminding him of their conversation all those months ago in that elevator with the missing baby.

"Dude, we're married." Phil said, shrugging. "It happens."

"Again? Jeeze, do you go at it every five seconds?" Stu asked, gesturing to their two other kids -not including Phil's son from his previous marriage- playing outside with Cowboy.

"Yeah, we pretty much fuck like bunnies." Phil said nonchalantly.

"Well congrats I guess." Stu said chuckling.

"Thanks man." Phil gave him that awkward man-hug.

"I told you not to get her pregnant!" Alan reiterated and Phil just looked at him.

"Shorty, get your pregnant ass out here and see our guests!" Phil yelled. They all heard the vacuum click off and the nursery door open.

"Phillip Benjamin Wenneck, call me Shorty one more time." She warned, Phil backed down. By now you'd think he'd know not to mess with a pregnant lady. Hormones. "Oh, hey guys." She brightened at the sight of Stu and Alan. She hadn't seen them in a few weeks. She was already showing signs of a bump.

"Hey, Phil got you pregnant, I wasn't sure if you knew or not. Want me to take him out?" Alan asked, very seriously. She placed her hands on his shoulders and look at him, equally seriously.

"No, I'll be fine." She said, then burst out laughing. "About that, Phil. One crib isn't gonna be enough. We're gonna need a couple if we intend to house these little ones." She said, patting her stomach.

"Yeah, yeah." He said, waving her off, before it registered and he looked at her, shocked.

"Twins, bro, come on." She just smiled and shrugged. He went up to her and kissed her deeply until Alan broke them apart.

"Okay, so now you're double pregnant. Alright, who's guilty?" We just looked at him, eyebrows quirked. "Who cheated on who?"

All four of them burst out laughing. This was their crazy, beautiful, life.

And Alan still carried around that trophy that had 'Number one for finding a police car' inscribed on it, in his Indiana Jones satchel.

**A/N: I'm very very very sorry this is so late and it's probably not as great as you were anticipating but whateva.**

**Now, I know the second one most likely isn't set two years after the first one but this is just how it works. hahaha**

**I'll probably write one for the second after it comes out on DVD so it'll be a while.**

**I really hope you guys enjoyed my story!**

**Good? Bad? Lemme know!  
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